My reactive dog and I are both miserable
I honestly don’t know what I’m looking for from this post besides perspective from people who understand reactive/aggressive dogs, because I feel very alone and overwhelmed.
I’m 21(F) and have a 6-year-old pitbull-type dog that my family got for me when I was 15 while I was struggling with depression and an eating disorder. Looking back, I was a mentally ill teenager with no idea how to properly handle a difficult dog, and I made a lot of mistakes over the years even though I loved him very much.
He survived parvo as a puppy, later became increasingly reactive, and at one point my mom sent him to a trainer that used abusive methods. He came back extremely shut down and different, and things slowly escalated over the years.
Inside the house he can actually be loving, calm, affectionate, protective, and deeply attached to us. He has never shown aggression toward my family or bitten a person. But outside he has severe dog reactivity and has barked/lunged at dogs and people for years.
A few months ago, he escaped and seriously attacked a small dog. The dog survived, but it was traumatic and horrible for everyone involved, especially because I had to physically separate them myself while neighbors came outside hearing the screaming.
Ever since then, my anxiety around him has become extreme. Even before the attack I already struggled walking him because of his reactivity and because of experiences with neighbors yelling at me over his behavior. After the attack, things got much worse. I tried walking him very late at night to avoid people and dogs, but recently he dragged me to the ground chasing a cat and since then I honestly haven’t been able to bring myself to walk him again.
I feel ashamed being seen with him. I feel judged constantly. I have a demanding full-time job, already struggle with anxiety/depressive episodes, and I feel emotionally exhausted all the time. We also have other dogs and frequent visitors in the house, so management is stressful and he spends a lot of time separated in my room.
The hardest part is that I know there is a loving dog in there, but outside I feel constant panic and hypervigilance, and I think my anxiety now feeds into his behavior too. I carry a lot of guilt over how things turned out.
I know I’ve made mistakes and already carry a lot of guilt about them, so I’m not looking to be attacked. I just want to know:
- Has anyone else experienced this level of anxiety or burnout with a reactive/aggressive dog?
- How do you deal with the fear of judgment from other people?
- Is there a realistic path forward when both the owner and dog seem stressed all the time?
Please be honest, but kind.