Limerence with Childhood best friend
I'm (20M) have been in a cycle of the most obsessive limerence with my childhood best friend since the pandemic (Around 5 years). It first started when something traumatic happened in my life, my whole life was uprooted, and turned upside down and that's when I began noticing that I started thinking of him more and more as the days passed by.
This guy and I were childhood best friends since I was probably 9 years old or around 4th grade of elementary school, and every day we would hang out after school and such, like normal kids do. But we got to a point in our friendship where we would do inappropriate acts together, I guess you could say it was COCSA, but we were the same age, and we both did it to each other. Whatever, the years passed by, and by middle school, we completely lost contact as I moved away, and we fell into different crowds. I hung out with a lot of girls, and he hung out with a lot of masculine guys, or I guess gang bangers. I never really thought of him until high school, when I began getting infatuated with him. Not only because I was trying to find myself, but also because he was the only guy that I had a sexual experience with up to that point, and to be fair, he was a really good looking guy, but it wasn't until 2021 that I would be fully consumed by the thought of him. I have tried everything on planet earth to move on and find someone else, but I always keep thinking back on him and the wonderful friendship that we used to have.
Well, now I'm in a stuck cycle of limerence, and I go months without thinking of him or thinking about what he thinks of me, but of course, there are months where I'm obsessively infatuated with him. It's gotten to the point where I'm stalking his parents to see if they've posted any recent pictures of him (he has no social media presence). I'm stalking his instagram to see if he's unprivated his account and stalking his TikTok to see what he has reposted, stalking his followers, stalking all of his cousins, etc. I even find myself reposting certain TikToks so that if he does stalk my page, I give off a certain persona. I know I'm weird, but I'm more interested in seeing how he's doing now, and I just wonder if he still thinks of me. Idk what to do. I seriously need help. Whatever, I'm just writing this to see if there are other people with similar experiences as mine.