TW CSA Incest
My childhood was an absolute mess. From around the age of 3, I began to experience sexual abuse from my Uncle on my Mother's side. I'm not sure of the frequency it was occurring at that age, but by about age 6, it was happening almost every week, It started off with 'less intrusive' behaviours but had developed pretty much into a full blown 'adult' sexual relationship at around 7 years old.
I knew something wasn't right but I was terrified. When we started learning sex ed in school, I knew that 'sex' fit what was happening but I was confused - school had framed sex as a way to pro-create. I didn't know a lot, but I knew a person needed to have their period to get pregnant and that this would probably happen when I was a teenager. I wasn't a teenager and I didn't have a period. This made me doubt whether I could really call what was happening 'sex' as I couldn't get pregnant, and 'he would know that'. This confusion made me feel even more ashamed and I stayed quiet.
Around the age of 8, he started 'introducing' me to men he knew. I remember three names - one was his friend (who'd been previously charged for child sexual offences and took his life), a brother in law/family friend, and a person I only knew because he was involved in their business. There were many other men throughout the years but they're mostly blurry. I didn't understand at the time that there was money involved - I was told some crap about how 'happy' I make people and how I have to 'share' that. Looking back on it now, I know it's a pretty cut and dry example of trafficking.
It became completely normal. Sex, videos/photos of me, threats, physical abuse. I started to get really physically unwell - nobody could tell me or my parents what it was but I truly think it was stress. Numerous times I tried in childish ways (at the time I thought they would work) to end my life because I didn't think it would ever stop. At 9/10 years old I wrote a story for a class at school that went too far into an abuse situation than what was normal for my age. It wasn't specifically what was happening to me, but my teacher was concerned. I didn't know she was until one day, my Mum was called to my school for a meeting with her, and when she got home she was screaming at me. She was so angry because the teacher had implied that something sus was happening in the family, which Mum claimed was 'disgusting' and that she was a 'b\*tch' and a 'pathetic liar' who 'didn't deserve a job'. She then yelled at me for writing lies that would wrongfully paint our family in a poor light. She ended up placing formal complaints against this teacher to the state department and refusing to let me be taught by her. I was pulled out soon after and ended up in a different class.
It continued into high school. At 14 I realised I was pregnant. It could have been any of the men, but I assumed it would have to be my Uncle's. I panicked - this was going to get me in trouble and ruin my parents lives. I was going to end my life seriously then, but ended up talking to a friend's sister. She was 18 and the year before had fallen pregnant and knew how to 'sort it out'. I ended up catching a bus to a dodgy suburb to meet a couple I'd never met who promised to 'fix it'. All the money I had, my brother's playstation (sorry mate), a blow job to the weird dude, and a terrifying experience in what I think now was probably a shed... I bled for over a week but I didn't care - I wasn't pregnant anymore.
It stopped when I was 16 for about 2 years. I never processed it and ended up developing anorexia which my psych and doctors believe was a way to cope. I ended up the average weight of an 11 year old. I was in and out of hospital because my body was giving up. I don't even know when specifically it started again, but I know that I was 18 and it was happening all over again. I moved away from my parents house hoping it'd stop. Parents ended up telling him my new address and he started visiting, before long it was happening a couple of times a week. He would sometimes bring food for my dog or leave money on my table - I refused to take it when he insisted, so he just left it on the way out.
One night it was really quite physical and I was injured significantly. Ended up at a sexual assault centre and they did a physical exam - swabs (which had his dna) and confirmed some injuries. A few days after I ended up in hospital for my eating disorder. When I was discharged they sent me to live in a group home for teenagers who were already or who were likely going to be homeless. It was the first safe place I ever had, and the 24 hour security guards meant he couldn't get to me. I thought I'd never have to think about it again.
A bit over a year later I saw him being inappropriate at a family event with another child. I got back to the house and was so distressed I cried and told a staffmember. As the child was so young she had to make a police report. This report led to two years of me giving evidence and statements of what had happened to me. The detectives ended up with what they said was a lot of evidence (including the stuff from the medical exam). Eventually he was arrested and charged with 40+ things related to child abuse. They found him in posession of child pornography. He payed his bail (he comes from money) and appeared in court a number of times. He plead not guilty. His entire defence was that I had dreamt it/made it up. The detectives discontinued the charges earlier this year. I was never told why, but I know the main detective was very mad about it and that he had been given no choice by his superiors. Apparently my Uncle kicked up a fuss and at some stage spoke to the state police commissioner. Allusions were made to money being involved but I have no real idea as to why they were dropped.
To make it worse, in mid 2021 I provided a statement. A month after doing this, I contacted the main detective because I needed to correct something as I realised the information I had provided wasn't 100% accurate. I knew this was a big deal because I had signed the statement at the time saying it was correct. I sorted it with the detective (or so I thought) and heard nothing about it until March this year when the police showed up at my house to charge me for 'fabricating' the initial statement (even though there was record I came forward to change it). No charges against any of them, but criminal charges against me that can be seen by anyone who searches the system in my state (including my Uncle who searched it and created social media profiles to slander me)
I had to appear in court today due to that charge. I spoke to legal aid about what had happened and thankfully was paired with somebody really nice. Given everything she attempted to negotiate with prosecution to drop the charges. The case ended up being adjourned until next month where I will have to go again.
I feel like none of this would have happened if I never said anything to the police to begin with. I feel like it's inevitable that he will always be controlling me in some way. I'm so tired and it hurts, I feel like I can't escape what has happened and I feel like me having to go to court is just another way that he wins over me.