I want to become a better person. I have realized that although i had been thinking im a pretty nice person, some of my actions has proven it wrong. Especially after a friend of mine got mad at me after I said "I dont see how thats my problem" to her talking about how she had a quiz and other stuff and crashing out because of it. now its not that serious, right? it was a very mean thing to say but that was not all. after apologizing so much, i gave it some time and looked back to all my interactions with her. turns out i have been pretty cold and insincere towards her. or thats what i have expressed. Actually i can rarely express what i feel, I really wanted to be friends with her so i was pretty desperate to seem interesting or something cuz my theory is that is the reason why i have a lot of friends but not anyone's closest or first pick. because i talk less and not express myself much, i am not fun or interesting enough for people to enjoy my company. so i try to act a little like that. not replying with boring "oh damn"s anymore. which led to me not being as nice as she has been to me, to her. and i did not realize this until she got pissed at me and said "my friends are usually nice so i couldn't take it as a joke my bad" after i apologized so much. that hit me hard.
for some context, a day before i said that mean thing, she was supposed to meet me at uni. and i texted her, waited for like 20 mins but she did not reply and i said "fuck you im going home" after 1 hour she says "I am so SO sorry i did not get any notification" and she was very apologetic. i said its all good i didnt wait long dont be so sorry gang its not even your fault that you didnt see the notification. but she was so apologetic i started to feel bad. it was not that deep i shouldn't have overreacted and i couldnt sleep so at 3 am i texted her again saying pls dont be so sorry it was my fault for overreacting. she said yo just go to sleep bro also i have a quiz, a rehearsal and i havent even opened the slides yet im crashing out. then IDK WHAT CAME TO MY MIND AND I JUST SAID "I dont see how thats my problem" and yeah, she avoided me for a week, at uni too. when i randomly texted her about something she said "i hope youre aware I'm pissed at you"
now she has accepted my apology but i think it'll never be the same anymore. she probably does not see me as a friend after i hurt her like that. Also i think she's being like that not because of that one incident but all of these combined (which she did not say but i am pretty sure i made her upset) Im really beating myself up because this is how I return her the favors she has done for me by helping me with academics and being so nice to me whenever we meet up.
So, I have deactivated my socials cuz i can't confront her anymore and decided to go through my character development arc. I will become a nice person, and an extroverted one if possible.
Also i might have adhd the way i jump and struggle to keep the sequence of the story and my thoughts right if you can guess it from the text