Loss of Faith Self Idolatry
I am a true believer and I'm struggling to the point of apostasy or maybe loss of faith.
Long story short I completely despaired of myself that's how I found God. Life was pure joy and I still desperately love God and I'm lost.
I know that his blood is sufficient enough. I'm starting to go the route of I'm not worthy of his blood. Navel gazing. It's hurting me spiritually to the point I might be in legalism and if I fall away that's it. There is no sacrificing him again. 1 time was sufficient.
I need guidance because basically I sinned, and I willfully sinned in an attempt to satisfy my flesh particularly vanity and I knew it was futile, but I think God's letting the dog go back to his vomit and that means I'm revoked.
The other issue is top down theology vs bottom up theology. I think I'm seeing it as I chose him not he chose me because I experienced faith only after a moment that can only be described as conversion, but at the same time I know it was his grace somehow being activated in me.
Can the old adam win. Can legalism and antinomianism be a threat always? These are mindsets I thought not 1 time deals. But I will admit 3 weeks in I deliberately was having lustful thought with no tempting. I was confused. Free will. And I felt God convict me and I felt this was not going to be taught again. 3 months later I tried to do something foolishly deliberately. I know being unrepentant is the unforgivable sin. The thing about baptism is its a 1 time deal. He changes you heart. Then you have to continue and not chose sin. I was baptised as a baby and my heart was definitely changed a few months ago. Now I'm so focused on the sin that I can't focus on his sacrifice. I have 3 churches LCMS I looked at so far I like the newest one, but my wife is absolutely Catholic and she's been fighting us to stay and I'm falling or have fallen away now.