Should I have faith?
To me (and to many children) my parents were the main things I put my faith in, but when I was 10 my father died, and I subsequently found myself incapable of believing in them or god. Over the course of my early teens I tried other religions, but once again I lacked that fundamental belief. I did however need something to rely on, and I came to the conclusion that I should rely on unshakable things, mainly ideals (almost exclusively taoist ones), but also on the one person who would always be there, me.
Without even realizing it I began relying on a cult of myself, which in all fairness proved useful as I encountered crisis after crisis. But then the inevitable happened, and the new god I had build for myself fell just like the image of my father did back then. I broke my back and was diagnosed with epilepsy, meaning I had to deal with both my physical and mental fallibility.
A couple months back I suffered a new terrible struggle, and only then realized the damage that had been done, because for the first time I felt true desperation. For the first time since I was a child I prayed, not as a joke and not for something minor, but desperately asking for any help to anyone who might be listening.
Now I'm wondering what to do... I never thought of myself as somebody who needed faith to live, but I'm yet to find a decent substitute. Should I try to rebuild that faith in myself, maybe on more malleable grounds, or should I give it up for good and face the uncaring universe?