u/Dull_Bell4552

I had a dream that I was wandering around a strip mall in a bad area because I got lost but then I saw this "tourist attraction" or museum type thing that people were flooding in and out, making a huge crowd. out of curiosity, I walked in.

And I'm not even kidding yall, every exhibit was like a taxidermied rat or pig just carelessly stuffed into a glass case. They were HUGE and gross and scary looking. I cannot even describe the imagery, it was so deeply unsettling. After having a dream like this, I think I can understand now how people become vegetarians and vegans or whatever. Just dead and staring. And people were eating it up, taking pictures and posing next to these large dead animals in cases. ​

So I do want to preface this by saying that I do have an interview next week at a library which is really exciting and I am genuinely happy for myself because even though it's unpaid it seems like such a lovely, chilled out environment to gain experience while finishing my degree. but I literally went through HELL to get here. Many failures, rejections, etc. and I have been reflecting on them lately.

1. My first ever internship I realized I was paid only $11 an hour while my other coworkers were getting paid $22 which I'm pretty sure was illegal but I was only 19 and didn't know how to stand up for myself about it. This was at a warehouse. I was very exhausted and depressed. I had no chances of being converted to full time, on my last day I just took my badge off and left it there.
2. I had an interview to be a teaching assistant at a microschool in my area. I got there and the lady asked me a lot of invasive personal questions about my feelings on homosexuality, abortions, COVID 19, etc. and tried to make me sign a contract forcing me to "buy into" the beliefs of the church and that I would ONLY teach math and science under a "biblical worldview" I came home and cried my eyes out. I just wanted to die, that was the worst interview I've ever had. I did not sign the contract, thank God. I had interviewed with a fucking cult on accident!
3. I got referred to a really nice tech company by someone at my alternative school I graduated from (Thank you, Sarah!) and after the second interview they proceeded to just ghost me for no reason. I thought it was going well. I followed up with them in an email asking when I'd be hearing back, they said "Give us a few weeks to decide." I never heard back. Once again, MANY tears were shed over that one.
4. I got hired on the spot at an autism therapy company, the clinic turned out to be very neglectful and abusive towards their employees. I was barely given a 15 minute break for an 8+ hour shift, forced to work with COVID and the flu, I was bitten with no protective gear and it broke the flesh, I had furniture thrown at me, all within 32 days. I resigned over email while just crying and crying and crying. My RBT certification expired the other day and I have no interest in renewing it at another clinic, it just makes me feel so sad and sick inside to even think about it.
5. I waited for 3 hours at a hiring event standing in line, I was one of the last people in the building and when it was finally my turn to interview, the interview itself was only like 5 minutes long and at the end, BOTH interviewers looked me in the eyes and said "Yeah, we've decided that we are not interested." I was too dissociated to cry, I just went to my night class in silence that night.
6. I wore a full face of makeup and a nice outfit to a hiring event at a grocery store. I asked multiple staff members about it, they went and asked, came back and proceeded to tell me that the interview staff wasn't even FUCKING THERE. There was a big sign on the outside window that said there was a hiring event. They told me to apply online anyway, I went home and applied that night. They both got auto-rejected within 24 hours.

It's kind of a long story, I can't really pinpoint an exact reason as to why I do this. My birthday and Christmas are 6 days apart, but I grew up chronically abused and victimized by men in my life so I don't have very fond memories of December, my birthday, or christmas. LOTS of cutting took place. I was disowned by my extended family at 17, so I spend most birthdays and Christmases alone.

Ever since I hit puberty, like 10 or 11 years old, I had a self harm addiction. I used to do it in the morning before class, and in my bed to go to sleep at night. I am now 21 and I normally don't do it anymore. People think I am happy, and it just makes me more sad. I am in school full time, volunteer on the side, I have 4 cats and feed any stray I see, had a few good jobs, don't drink, don't smoke, good grades. I fake it very well. I manipulate people into thinking I've fully healed and changed.

But I have always hated December. I have always hated my birthday. And I have always hated christmas. I hate it so much that I abuse myself. ​I just hate it so much, I get filled with so much anger on that day. Then the rest of the year I am normal.

Last year I tried to fight the urge, I really did. I started shaking in the shower and had all these thoughts of hurting myself so I called crisis line, stayed on the line for 4 hours having an absolute panic attack. I lied to the man on the line that I felt better, and I felt bad because he was nice. I passed out that night. But then the very next day right when I woke up that morning, I hurt myself again. It just always has to go back to that. And no one knows I do this. I am deeply ashamed.

I've never wanted an opportunity so bad since becoming an RBT in early 2025 (My cert has since sadly expired and I no longer work in ABA, that's a whole other story) this library is right next to my community college, literally walking distance. I applied not expecting anything back because I have applied for various jobs for the city before and got nothing back but this time, recruiter got back to me within 24 hours and I was genuinely impressed. She seemed like she really wanted to make time for me and recruit me.

I am 21 years old but the application says they'll take as young as 14 years old so I am worried that me being on the older side might be a red flag to them. I am also a behavioral health science student, I am not sure if that would be interesting to them or a red flag because I have a full time student schedule (4 classes at a time). I am almost done with my associate's degree. I have very slight IT experience working in a warehouse and an RBT certification. Since the interview is in person, should I bring a printed paper copy of my resume? Fingerprint clearance card?

I am planning on wearing a black ruffled top with black striped dress pants, some dangle earrings, some light makeup and maybe some black flats. Is that too formal or not formal enough? This is a pretty large library for the city and I am not sure how competitive it is, I just really would like to make a good impression. I also haven't even really had a formal interview process in a long time, my last two jobs just hired me on the spot and did a casual interview, I don't know if a library would require a whole different vibe.