Hi parents! Things aren’t going as well in my relationship as I’d hoped. I enjoy my boyfriend but I worry about him not being able to communicate well with his parents and how that will inevitably impact our relationship. For context we’re in our late twenties. His parents live in the same city.
I tend to want clear boundaries and independence, partially because of how I grew up.
Now I have a partner that did not have that kind of experience and who almost had the opposite in some ways. I still feel like they treat him like a kid. His whole life, they have been fairly overbearing and he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around them.
Often both of us worry about the repercussions of saying no to their invites for example. We’ve accepted vacation trips because we would never have the opportunity otherwise according to him.
I have a health condition that makes it difficult to eat and it impacts my gut health (and overall physical health) quite a bit. There’s no cure for the condition, but there are meds, which I take. The meds have side effects, which are unpleasant (nausea, headaches, muscle cramps, etc.). My partners dad loves to cook and likes to invite us over for dinner with consistently last minute invitations. I told my partner that I really would prefer that both his parents provide us with some time so that we can fit it into our schedule and to give me heads up so that I can do everything in my power to make sure my gut is okay. In my mind, that seems reasonable. Even just a couple of days heads up would help a lot.
However, they seem to get offended whenever I say that I can’t come because I’m not feeling well because of the condition or the med side effects. I have missed a few times recently (maybe 3 times in the past four months) and now my partners dad makes consistent jabs about how I don’t want to hang out with him and how he didn’t even know if I existed anymore. Unfortunately, he’s partially right because most times that I hang out with him, he just gets very drunk, says gross things to get a reaction (often sex related) etc. last time was Christmas and he got hammered and wasn’t particularly happy as a drunk. I still just tried to grin and bear it because it’s a holiday, but I felt physically ill by the end of the night. My partner tells me his dad likes to make comments that get under peoples skin or evoke a strong reaction. I don’t even know what to think of that. I would be fine hanging out more regularly if it didn’t feel like his dad was searching for a way to make others uncomfortable.
What really frustrates me, is that I genuinely try to connect at these family gatherings when I get the chance. It can be a challenge but I ask questions about the different family members. I try to follow up on past topics. But my partners parents do not do the same with me. I really couldn’t say whether or not they’ve learned much about me as a person over the past few years. Regardless, they recently invited us to a vacation and honestly the vibe has just been very off. Last time we went on a vacation, the mom inspected everybody’s luggage to ensure that everybody packed correctly. Small things like that have made me feel a combination of bullied and infantilized by the parents. Is any of this normal??
Internet parents, I told my partner that it feels bad pushing through health issues to come to family gatherings when I’m not feeling healthy, just to have their parents engage like this. I’ve seen his parents many more times than I’ve seen my own family over the past few years. I feel like I’m constantly thinking of how to appease his parents and I’m not really living in the moment. Any help is greatly appreciated.