u/Duh2828

So context, we are each other's first real relationships/first loves/first basically everythings. We had a lot of common interests and a lot of chemistry.

We met in our first year of university and have been together ever since. She ran away from home in the second year of our relationship and we have been cohabiting. I was very sure that she was the one and we had a consensus to marry each other at age 28.

I should say here that she has CPTSD and Bipolar Type 3 due to a lot of childhood trauma. Throughout the relationship (more so at the start) she was easily emotionally affected and would get irritated and angry over very minor things. She only recently got diagnosed for Bipolar Type 3 after suffering from work burnout and taking a few months break from work. I have been trying my best to support her (accompanying her to the psychiatrist, being the breadwinner). She has been actively taking medication and I think has been treating it as a priority. She's an intelligent girl who has made so many strides in combating her trauma and mental illness already.

There has been some incompatibility regarding conflict resolution methods (I'm anxious, she's more avoidant). We almost broke up a few years ago due to codependency issues but we sought therapy and things did improve for a while. Another key complaint she had of me was my messiness and failure to pick up after myself. Initially I deflected by pointing to how busy I was at work (I work 55+ hours a week) and hiring someone to do the housework but she was still unsatisfied at some of my slips (e.g. forgetting to turn on the toilet fan, leaving unfinished drink bottles around the house). I recently got diagnosed for ADHD, which explains some of this forgetfulness but doesn't excuse the hurt I put her through. Our previous home was extremely messy, but ever since moving to our current home things have been much tidier.

So quite recently, at the end of her mental health break from work, she decided to visit her friend (online friend for 10+ years, never met before) on the other side of the world. I was supportive of the decision, but after the trip, she wouldn't stop talking about her friend and posted some rather intimate photos of them on social media. She also became more critical of me and started to want to exercise and lose weight. One night when she was asleep, I saw a message from her friend pop up on her phone screen and it felt too intimate. I (and this was not cool I know) breached her privacy and opened her phone. She had been telling ChatGPT that she had fallen in love with her friend, was asking when to break up with me and googled "how to pretend to love a person". I was devastated and woke her up, asking her if there was anything she hadn't told me. She said no, so I told her I saw her messages.

After both of us calmed down a bit, we decided to set a trial period for the relationship. I did my best to improve housework-wise (I was doing all the housework) and to make her emotionally seen, buying her the food and drinks that she wanted and spending a lot more time with her. However, while she acknowledged my changes and said she was grateful for them, she decided to end the relationship over text at the end of the trial period, saying that she was burnt out and had limited capacity to risk getting disappointed again. She also said she felt she needed to be single to find her identity as she felt lost in our relationship. She acted quite caring and guilty during the first few days of the breakup, saying that she hurt me even though I loved her and telling me not to feel guilty, but ever since she's been sending messages on social media telling me to move on and saying that I couldn't fulfill her basic needs.

I feel a pervading sense of guilt at not changing enough earlier and it feels as if I drove a girl who really loved me away. Even now I would be willing to look past anything and fight again for our relationship if we would be willing to see therapy together, but it feels like this is something that has a low likelihood of happening. I still care for her and can't imagine loving another girl. How do I approach this? Give her the space to heal and handle her mental health and wait for her to reach out? I feel like it might have been her work stress exacerbating her Bipolar and that these behaviors weren't rational. Or is this relationship already doomed?

So context, we are each other's first real relationships/first loves/first basically everythings. We had a lot of common interests and a lot of chemistry.

We met in our first year of university and have been together ever since. She ran away from home in the second year of our relationship and we have been cohabiting. I was very sure that she was the one and we had a consensus to marry each other at age 28.

I should say here that she has CPTSD and Bipolar Type 3 due to a lot of childhood trauma. Throughout the relationship (more so at the start) she was easily emotionally affected and would get irritated and angry over very minor things. She only recently got diagnosed for Bipolar Type 3 after suffering from work burnout and taking a few months break from work. I have been trying my best to support her (accompanying her to the psychiatrist, being the breadwinner). She has been actively taking medication and I think has been treating it as a priority. She's an intelligent girl who has made so many strides in combating her trauma and mental illness already.

There has been some incompatibility regarding conflict resolution methods (I'm anxious, she's more avoidant). We almost broke up a few years ago due to codependency issues but we sought therapy and things did improve for a while. Another key complaint she had of me was my messiness and failure to pick up after myself. Initially I deflected by pointing to how busy I was at work (I work 55+ hours a week) and hiring someone to do the housework but she was still unsatisfied at some of my slips (e.g. forgetting to turn on the toilet fan, leaving unfinished drink bottles around the house). I recently got diagnosed for ADHD, which explains some of this forgetfulness but doesn't excuse the hurt I put her through. Our previous home was extremely messy, but ever since moving to our current home things have been much tidier.

So quite recently, at the end of her mental health break from work, she decided to visit her friend (online friend for 10+ years, never met before) on the other side of the world. I was supportive of the decision, but after the trip, she wouldn't stop talking about her friend and posted some rather intimate photos of them on social media. She also became more critical of me and started to want to exercise and lose weight. One night when she was asleep, I saw a message from her friend pop up on her phone screen and it felt too intimate. I (and this was not cool I know) breached her privacy and opened her phone. She had been telling ChatGPT that she had fallen in love with her friend, was asking when to break up with me and googled "how to pretend to love a person". I was devastated and woke her up, asking her if there was anything she hadn't told me. She said no, so I told her I saw her messages.

After both of us calmed down a bit, we decided to set a trial period for the relationship. I did my best to improve housework-wise (I was doing all the housework) and to make her emotionally seen, buying her the food and drinks that she wanted and spending a lot more time with her. However, while she acknowledged my changes and said she was grateful for them, she decided to end the relationship over text at the end of the trial period, saying that she was burnt out and had limited capacity to risk getting disappointed again. She also said she felt she needed to be single to find her identity as she felt lost in our relationship. She acted quite caring and guilty during the first few days of the breakup, saying that she hurt me even though I loved her and telling me not to feel guilty, but ever since she's been sending messages on social media telling me to move on and saying that I couldn't fulfill her basic needs.

I feel a pervading sense of guilt at not changing enough earlier and it feels as if I drove a girl who really loved me away. Even now I would be willing to look past anything and fight again for our relationship if we would be willing to see therapy together, but it feels like this is something that has a low likelihood of happening. I still care for her and can't imagine loving another girl. How do I approach this? Give her the space to heal and handle her mental health and wait for her to reach out? I feel like it might have been her work stress exacerbating her Bipolar and that these behaviors weren't rational. Or is this relationship already doomed?

So context, we are each other's first real relationships/first loves/first basically everythings. We had a lot of common interests and a lot of chemistry.

We met in our first year of university and have been together ever since. She ran away from home in the second year of our relationship and we have been cohabiting. I was very sure that she was the one and we had a consensus to marry each other at age 28.

I should say here that she has CPTSD and Bipolar Type 3 due to a lot of childhood trauma. Throughout the relationship (more so at the start) she was easily emotionally affected and would get irritated and angry over very minor things. She only recently got diagnosed for Bipolar Type 3 after suffering from work burnout and taking a few months break from work. I have been trying my best to support her (accompanying her to the psychiatrist, being the breadwinner). She has been actively taking medication and I think has been treating it as a priority. She's an intelligent girl who has made so many strides in combating her trauma and mental illness already.

There has been some incompatibility regarding conflict resolution methods (I'm anxious, she's more avoidant). We almost broke up a few years ago due to codependency issues but we sought therapy and things did improve for a while. Another key complaint she had of me was my messiness and failure to pick up after myself. Initially I deflected by pointing to how busy I was at work (I work 55+ hours a week) and hiring someone to do the housework but she was still unsatisfied at some of my slips (e.g. forgetting to turn on the toilet fan, leaving unfinished drink bottles around the house). I recently got diagnosed for ADHD, which explains some of this forgetfulness but doesn't excuse the hurt I put her through. Our previous home was extremely messy, but ever since moving to our current home things have been much tidier. I also felt that I had a significant lack of work life balance that made me drained and unable to be an interesting and emotionally-available partner, even though I was the main provider in the relationship.

So quite recently, at the end of her mental health break from work, she decided to visit her friend (online friend for 10+ years, never met before) on the other side of the world. I was supportive of the decision, but after the trip, she wouldn't stop talking about her friend and posted some rather intimate photos of them on social media. She also became more critical of me and started to want to exercise and lose weight. One night when she was asleep, I saw a message from her friend pop up on her phone screen and it felt too intimate. I (and this was not cool I know) breached her privacy and opened her phone. She had been telling ChatGPT that she had fallen in love with her friend, was asking when to break up with me and googled "how to pretend to love a person". I was devastated and woke her up, asking her if there was anything she hadn't told me. She said no, so I told her I saw her messages.

After both of us calmed down a bit, we decided to set a trial period for the relationship. I did my best to improve housework-wise (I was doing all the housework) and to make her emotionally seen, buying her the food and drinks that she wanted and spending a lot more time with her. However, while she acknowledged my changes and said she was grateful for them, she decided to end the relationship over text at the end of the trial period, saying that she was burnt out and had limited capacity to risk getting disappointed again. She also said she felt she needed to be single to find her identity as she felt lost in our relationship. She acted quite caring and guilty during the first few days of the breakup, saying that she hurt me even though I loved her and telling me not to feel guilty, but ever since she's been sending messages on social media telling me to move on and saying that I couldn't fulfill her basic needs.

I feel a pervading sense of guilt at not changing enough earlier and it feels as if I drove a girl who really loved me away. Even now I would be willing to look past anything and fight again for our relationship if we would be willing to see therapy together, but it feels like this is something that has a low likelihood of happening. I still care for her and can't imagine loving another girl. How do I approach this? Give her the space to heal and handle her mental health and wait for her to reach out? I feel like it might have been her work stress exacerbating her Bipolar and that these behaviors weren't rational. Or is this relationship already doomed?