u/Due-Management-8679

i have been going through a really tough time lately and i think i might be in a manic episode (even if im not entirely sure you can recognise if you’re in a manic episode) but, either way, ive been really struggling with thoughts of everyone leaving me or hating me, a lot of fear of abandonment. especially since my best friend has entered a romantic relationship (which ive had a crash out about in my first post) and im trying to be okay with it.

i’ve talked to my best friend, lets call my best friend Lex, about my feelings multiple times and Lex has reassured me each time that this new relationship will not change anything in our relationship and i do believe Lex but these feelings don’t go away no matter how many times i try to work through them and process them.

This is where my main issue comes in, im starting to freak out because i feel like Lex is getting really annoyed with my constant need for reassurance. I have told Lex about my bpd and, specifically about where my fear of abandonment stems from, but im aware that it can still be annoying if someone is constantly begging for you to tell them you still want to be around them. i try to keep these feelings to myself so that i don’t lose Lex but sometimes i just need that reassurance.

Last night, i had a dream that Lex wanted to end our friendship and i kept chasing after Lex while begging for Lex to be my friend again. it kinda fucked me up and i pushed it down for a few hours but i just kept thinking about it. what if it was the universe trying to tell me something? what if Lex had spoken it in the air and something was warning me? All these what ifs made me message Lex and Lex hasn’t responded (its been almost five hours now).

I would say i am spiritual but im also aware that religion and magical thinking don’t always coexist so im trying to remember that dreams are sometimes just dreams. I’m trying to remind myself that Lex is probably just busy but i can’t help but think that Lex is messaging Lex’s new partner and ignore me because im annoying Lex. im spiralling and i want to call Lex, just so Lex’ll talk to me but that might also be annoying.

i just don’t know what to do.

i literally cant do this anymore. i want to be happy, i try so hard to just be happy but nothing is working. i’ve convinced myself that all my friends are gonna leave me and now im pushing them away. i am aware of what im doing and how detrimental it is but i cant stop. im trying to seem okay, i am, and sometimes it feels like i might actually be and then it all just goes away. i feel so dumb. i feel like such a loser. i hate my brain. i hate all of this. i don’t want to feel like this. i don’t want to be alone but im terrified that everyone is just gonna walk away and ill be stuck alone again. my fp is in a romantic relationship with someone else and it is completely fucking me over. i want to be happy for them but every time i see them hold hands with their partner or cuddle, i just feel like im not enough anymore. i want to be the only person in their life and i know thats so fucked up. i talk to them about my feelings and they keep reassuring me but the thoughts just dont go away. i want to tell them to leave their partner but i know the person makes them happy. i want to admit that i have romantic feelings for them (when i dont) just so i can take up more room in their life. i fucking hate this. im trying to be supportive and not get stuck in my head about this but its been impossible. i dont know what to do to get these thoughts out of me head.