My husband had an affair with a woman he works with. It wasn’t a one time thing or something that just “slipped out of control” once. It happened several times over a year, and it was hidden from me the entire time. it started right before my sons first birthday and I found out when I was 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. He lied to me about it repeatedly. He minimized what it was, tried to frame it like it was her pursuing him and him resisting, but still claimed he “gave in.” The story kept changing depending on what I pushed back on. Nothing about it felt fully honest or stable, and I’ve had to piece together the truth from inconsistencies and confessions over time. What he eventually admitted is that it became a repeated physical affair at his workplace. He said there were between 20-30 sexual encounters between them, mainly just oral sex, but as more came out it then turned into kissing her neck, and having sex twice(no condom and he went inside her). This woman is nearly fifteen years older than him and married with children herself. He swears it was never emotional, but how does it go on for a year if it never was emotional? Hearing that destroyed me because it wasn’t just emotional betrayal or flirting, it crossed into repeated physical cheating that he actively participated in while lying to my face.
During this time of his affair I had accused him a couple of times but never found evidence but deep down felt it in my gut and he’d always make me out to be the bad guy for even accusing him and make me feel crazy.
weve always had issues here and there with him lying about doing drugs. In the beginning of the affair he claims he wasn’t clear minded because he was on pills at work and that’s why and that she kept begging and coming onto him and he just said fine if you’ll stop then let’s do it. He then claims it’s because I never gave him head and he wanted that. Then he claims she blackmailed him and he was scared of losing his job or me finding out. I don’t believe any of this. He was continuing it for a year even after he wasnt doing drugs and I had said stuff about our sex life a million times because he never cared to have anything emotional with me plus all the betrayal constantly and lies. He was doing stuff with this woman exactly how we would and maybe even more with her.
All of this was happening while I was pregnant, while I was at home with our toddler trusting him, while we were having trips together, taking my son to different experience, believing I knew my life and my marriage.
What makes it even worse is the deception layered on top of it. He didn’t just cheat, he hid it for a year, no intention of me ever knowing, reshaped the truth when confronted, and only gave me pieces of it when he couldn’t avoid it anymore. I don’t feel like I got honesty; I feel like I got whatever version of the truth he thought would hurt less or protect him more in that moment. People at his work knew parts of what was going on too, and no one told me. That silence from others adds another layer of betrayal on top of everything else. From what I hear it sounded more emotional for the other woman and with it lasting a year I can’t not believe it wasn’t.
Right now I feel completely shattered. I’m angry, numb, sick, and overwhelmed all at once. I can’t look at him the same, and I can’t even be around him without feeling like everything in me shuts down. we were together for 11 years. Married for 7. I’m pregnant with my second child. I work as a registered nurse PRN so I’m on his insurance, so how can he even quit his job right now? How can I even begin to work on this with him when I dont even know if I physically or mentally can? My whole like just came crashing down. my world revolved around him. I have only one friend. I’ve been with him since i was 19 years old. he’s all I ever have known. Plus being pregnant with a one year old as well, I feel stuck.