u/Dry_Structure_2173

I struggle with poor memory and don’t have many memories from my childhood. and due to this, I often feel like something happened to me as a kid. I have some memories of csa but I really feel like there’s more that I can’t remember. and this also leads to me not believing myself. theres days where I KNOW something happened but can’t prove it, like my stomach gets in knots thinking about how there’s something there that I can’t remember. but then immediately after I start convincing myself im lying and making these feelings up and possibly making up memories.

it gets so bad to the point where I’ll have like a faint memory or almost like I’m connecting the dots and then I’ll start to cry and dissociate heavily then i literally forget what it was that exact second like my mind just goes blank and i have to think hard about it to remember but by then im in a daze where the thought doesn’t stick.

which makes me get upset at myself and feel guilty for “trying to make something up” despite feeling like somethings missing.

it’s so frustrating 🫩

I cant find this book anywhere. But from what i remember it was a graphic nov with a guy in a whee and I think a blue mohawk? but I think the main character was a girl who surfed and did competitive surfing with her friends? Or possibly volleybal? and the blue haired guy lived like higher up on a cliff and had a telescope to look down at the beach since he lived right next to it. I read it like probably 13 years ago but i really liked it for some reason n been tryna look for it since.

there’s just times where I just feel like different people. like they’re me but just not? I’m fully conscious when it happens so it’s not DID or anything, it just feels like almost like a persona Im switching to or an “alter ego” that I go to when I need comfort.

like I want to be different parts of myself and have a few different names I like that are me but in different forms. i even make multiple accounts for them and get to be them.

i struggle to know who i am at times or what i look like and often just feel not like myself so i make these personas for some type of stability n comfort. anyone else?