I’m blue, he’s orange.
This is long, sorry-
Met unexpectedly. Immediately drawn to him, even though he didn't seem to be my type at first. Instantly felt familiar - like we'd met before. Unusually strong chemistry. Felt like he could read my mind/intuit my feelings easily. Fairly private connection - in our own little world. Feels like a twin flame situation or at least highly fated. Push/pull thing at times. Very emotional/erotic/spiritual feel - mutual telepathy and other weird occurrences (sounds insane, i know). Attraction is primal/feral. Unlocked new erotic interests in both of us. Mentally and emotionally intoxicating - like casting a mutual spell on each other. But also felt like a spiritual experience - a trance or meditative space. Physically could not get enough. Craved each other. All of this is very unusual for me. Also very warm and deeply caring - like a mutual soft spot. Felt very protective, almost maternal towards him.
Current obligations made it impossible to be together in any official way, yet kept getting drawn back to each other. Unspoken thing that felt like “maybe someday, when things are different - for now let’s just enjoy this for what it is”. Helped us both through pretty dark personal moments. Felt like a life raft at times, and like coming up for air when we were otherwise drowning.
There was a strong mutual obsession and intrusive thoughts about each other though. This led to a push/pull where we’d get overwhelmed and drift apart for short periods. We did discuss it (was such a relief to say it out loud and know it was mutual) and tried to manage it. Things had finally found a new, more sustainable rhythm and I was more into him than ever… and then…
I learned a secret of his a couple months ago (accidentally through a third party). It was big - couldn’t ignore it - knew I had to end things to protect both of us. Told him I needed to step back “for now”. But left the door open for him to contact me in the future. It was not a decision I made lightly and it was very painful. This didn’t change how I felt about him - still loved him very much but felt necessary. He apologized genuinely, admitted things had gotten out of hand and said he also needed to “step back from everything”.
(Basically, he had some serious responsibilities coming up in his personal life that he needed to focus on and be fully present for - and I knew I was likely a big distraction. I also realized he must’ve been compartmentalizing HARD to have this thing with me while all that was going on, and that felt unhealthy. I don’t believe he ever set out to deceive me intentionally or cause harm. He has a very good heart.)
He fully disappeared for a month, then reappeared online a few weeks ago and immediately blocked me on one platform (weird because my account is private and I’d already unfollowed him - so he’d have to search for me just to block my locked account? I only noticed because an old DM thread reappeared and when I viewed it, said I was blocked. That really stung). I’m not blocked elsewhere- but I won’t contact him first - will take the other block as a message and stay away.
So, no contact but I can feel him strongly again lately. Feels like he’s thinking of me too at times but is burdened by it or hurt
I’m missing him terribly. Unsure I made the right decision- but not sure I had a choice? Worried I hurt him and might never hear from him again.
Wondering how he’s experienced all of this - publicly he seems normal enough, some cryptic posts but trying not to read into it or assume it's about me. He knows where to find me if/when ready. Feels like the ball is in his court in terms of reconnecting, but not sure I communicated that well enough?
To be fair, I’m sure he’s still very busy and maybe the time just isn’t right for him yet - but I’m starting to realize that day may never come and it might have run its course and is now over for good, so I started to panic
So…
He seemed like my ideal person, where under different circumstances it could have been something amazing. And the fated feeling - felt like this ancient, predetermined thing… but to what end? Feels cruel to meet someone like this and be unable to actually have them in this lifetime
Was it just bad timing? Is it worth trying to reconnect in the future - even just as friends? Or just assume it’s served its purpose and let it fade?
Did he also see me as some fated, ideal partner? Or more of a haunting dark erotic obsession that he couldn’t explain and is relieved to be rid of?
That might be my biggest question. I know this was intense and unusual for both of us - spooky at times even - but there was genuine warmth and softness, in addition to the obsessive erotic part. He also tends to see things like coincidences and dreams as mystical and spiritual (I became more open to this type of thinking as a result of meeting him - I was never into ANY of this before - I got into astrology to try to make sense of what I was feeling about him).
He is also a huge flirt and I always suspected he had multiple connections going on… but I do think this particular connection was unique for him and I believe him when he said, before we parted ways, that I was the only one (I believe he meant “only one like this”) and that’s fine, given this was always a bit unconventional and wasn’t labeled or exclusive
So, I’m desperate to know what this all meant to him. Something I wish I’d asked. Who am I in his eyes? Tragic star crossed lover? Evil temptress who had him under a spell? Just a fling? Something else?
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What stands out to me in the charts -
Lots going on with the Aries 3H/Libra 9H and Taurus 4H/Scorpio 10H axes in the synastry
The nodal synastry and the vertex conjunctions feel most significant to me. His vertex/moon conjunct my NN/mars. His mercury conjunct my SN. My Chiron conjunct his SN. My ASC/MC midpoint conjunct his NN. My vertex/his part of fortune conjunct in 7H.
Also, the moon/mars, venus/moon, sun/pluto, mars/pluto/saturn conjunction energies. His Lilith on my Aries stellium in 3H feels like it played a big role. My pluto right on his MC.
I’m also aware of the Neptune squares and how those can cause issues seeing each other clearly and lead to idealization… We also both have Neptune stuff natally (his Neptune/Uranus square his Venus, and my Neptune conjunct my ASC and square my moon). Also, our Saturns squaring each other. All those squares and oppositions in general. Are these like… fatal? Do other aspects balance these?
And that 12H venus in the composite… though the full composite is interesting to me and seems to show a relationship that wants to be quite serious and could be strong under certain circumstances. Could it evolve over time in that direction? Or maybe it’s just meant to feel that way? The composite Chiron conjunct the DSC and the composite moon in cancer 7h at the anaretic degree and opposite the sun… feels heavy and appropriate but not necessarily negative. I am especially interested in any input on the composite.
There are also two yods in the synastry (one pointing towards the moon/vertex/NN conjunction in taurus 4H and the other towards chiron/south node conjunction in gemini) and a kite (his libra venus as the apex above my grand fire trine with contacts to his part of fortune and Lilith). And a yod in the composite (pointing towards the chiron/DSC in cancer). Thoughts on these?
Asteroids get interesting too. Exact or within 1° conjunctions - My vesta on his MC. His groom on my ASC/neptune and conjunct my Anteros. My Ceres on his south node. My Pallas/Eros on my Sun. My Psyche on my Mercury/his Lilith. My Sirene on his mercury. His eros on his ASC. (Also my Tristan/his DSC, my Eurydike/his IC, my Persephone on my DSC, his Tristan/Isolda and my Saturn, my Circe on my mercury/his Lilith, my Isolda on his Eurydike - but this is where I admit im likely just insane and spiraling…)
Also started looking into sabian symbols for various degrees in our charts… and many are so literal it’s eerie. One or two would be interesting - but it's... a lot. Won’t get into that here though
Eclipses seem weirdly important too - if I do hear from him, gut feeling is it will likely be around the August 28 lunar eclipse
I’ve also looked at synastry charts between myself and past partners and other relationships in my life - none seem as active and fated and layered as this chart. But I admit I’m still fairly new and learning slowly - just got into this last year.
Is my instinct here on the right path?
Anything major I’m missing? What stands out most? Appreciate any insight
edit-
I probably should have posted the charts without all the yapping, but felt the background info was necessary. Also trying to avoid replies that are just like, "his neptune square her venus - delusional woman, case closed".
Guess my goal is - after a year of teaching myself and looking at these charts - to get as full a picture of this as possible. I know I have trouble being objective with this and I'm likely blind to things that are obvious to others - so that's why I'm looking for input and advice
Also would love to hear from people knowledgeable in house rulership and things of that nature. Looking at the whole picture and synthesizing all the parts. There are so many things about astrology that I don't even know I don't know...
I'd included just the synastry and composite charts in the OP. If it would help to include both our natal charts, progressed synastry, progressed composite, Davison chart - can do.
Feels like this is the point where one just gets a professional astrology consultation but I'm stubborn and determined to figure it out myself, and also skeptical and not sure who to trust