My (31F) fiancè (31M) has displayed narcissistic traits for a long time, but I think my fear of abandonment and our family has made me blind to it, until recently. For context, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in 2020. I have been in therapy long-term (the only time there was a lapse was just due to insurance). And I have a medication regimen that works for me. Im also a Masters Social Work student, so it's all a complete mindfuck.
My fiancè and I have been together for almost 7 years. I have a daughter (10) from a previous relationship, but my daughter and fiancè are extremely close, they are best friends. And I have always loved this about him, and for her. But now, because they are so close, it is weaponized, and to be honest, I am scared my daughter will hate/resent me if I leave.
I will say, when I was undiagnosed with BPD (6 years ago), not in therapy and unmedicated, I treated my partner very poorly. We did couples therapy. And like I said, I have been in therapy since dx. I feel like I am in a good place with managing my BPD symptoms. But again, this is weaponized. The comments I have heard lately are truly making me reflect on everything. I know I have A LOT of responsibility for my past and the impact it had on him, but I continuously work to manage and reflect so I don't get into that state again. But it is pretty hard when someone refuses to acknowledge your successes. I am not blameless, but neither am I the sole one to blame.
Comments: (almost every day, if not every day, over any small issue that then goes into 70 bigger issues from 6 years ago, half the time I don't even listen anymore because it's so normal, and I am comfortable with my progress that I have no desire to go back and forth about it)
- In relation to my BPD: "No one knows how you are", "This is twisted", "You are sick", "You would think this is ok", "You're the same [my name] from 6 years ago" (when I am trying to find a resolution to a problem), "you need to go away somewhere."
- Anytime I try to explain my feelings: "Coming from you?!" (As if I can't have feelings or thoughts about his behavior, because of my past behavior), "This is a joke", "I haven't done anything to you, ever!", "You want to act like I did something to you, so you can be the victim and flip the blame". "I feel beat down by you" "I wish you realized what you have in me, and how I have stood by you all the years"
- Other ones: "Im holding you accountable", "who thinks that way?", "No one would think that", "Any relationships you have this is always going to be a problem for you", "you dont even know how to pay a bill", "I live in reality, you live in falsehood", "I know right from wrong", "I dont need to be right. The only one who cares about being right is you"
He will say he loves me, but then say how I have been abusing him "nearly" every day for the last 6 years. I am not exaggerating when I say, if I have even the slightest of attitude for a day, we are on things from 6 years ago that are completely irrelevant. And he isn't just saying it once; it is always over an hour of talking at me, not to me. I've just now put my AirPods in and ignored him. Because he has done this so much, I have cried just listening, or I have asked him to stop, but "you don't get to tell someone when to stop".
I have asked and pleaded with him to go to therapy to address this trauma, and he refuses, insinuating that "The only problems I have are how you behave".
There is ALWAYS something I am blamed for. Big or small. And if it is not me, it is someone else. This week, I finally called my aunt to talk about this stuff, because it has been breaking me down, and I am just, confused, emotional, and feel alone. My aunt and fiancè had a pretty good relationship as shes pretty much the only family member I have had. My aunt keeps it absolutely honest with me and will call me out on my BS. So she did. Then she called him. And naturally, he could not do anything but go on and on for 2 hours about me and all the things I have done (which I have already told my aunt as part of not carrying that shame). He did not acknowledge anything he has contributed to the relationship in a negative way, or anything he can improve on. After they talked on the second day of this week's mess, I don't know what was said, but my aunt texted me saying that "He is a dangerous person, he has an ability to twist any words I say to something it wasnt. There is no resolution with him, and you need to open your eyes". She also said he is no longer welcome around her.
I guess lastly, I already know the answer. I'm processing the grief of a broken heart, and knowing that my daughter will be distraught. And how am I going to handle that? I have spent the last few days crying, all day. And not once has he tried to check in, or talk, or anything like that. He'd randomly say "love you," but then the next text would be about everything I do, have done, and how I need to "look in the mirror". I don't know where to start, as we purchased a home three years ago (if I have been treating him so horribly the last 6 years...why'd you buy a home and propose to me?). We also share all credit cards. Due to my impulsivity, it was advised at the time, while I was navigating BPD. We share a debit bank account. Two cars. And all of the logistics. I don't have "my own money". My paychecks go directly into our shared account. I'm in a spot where I don't make enough money to live alone, but I make too much to get any assistance. And again, every single part of me wants him to just go to therapy, but I don't think he will. And I don't even know if he would even take what a therapist has to say seriously....
My heart hurts. I feel like a failure. Im confused, conflicted and sad. I don't want this. But I cannot solely be to blame for everything. It just does not make sense. I take my part, 100%. But to say, in 7 years he has never hurt me....is so hurtful. I am full of hurt and emotions and feelings, and they are dismissed. I know what I need to do for my health. But the hole I will have in my heart for my daughter, the family I wanted...I am just...sad. Really sad.