21M dealing with retroactive jealousy and trying to figure out if asking for “the number” is a bad idea.
I know about people my girlfriend has kissed before me, and I keep obsessing over how many of them she did more with than just kissing. The uncertainty is what gets me. My mind fills in the blanks and sometimes I feel like imagining is worse than whatever the truth actually is.
Part of me wants to ask because I feel like knowing, even if the number is higher than I hope, might calm me down more than constantly wondering. But I’m also scared it could backfire and give my RJ more material.
I think what makes it hard is that if the number is low, I’d probably feel relief. If it’s high, I worry it could trigger comparison, exclusivity issues, value conflicts, or make me judge her past in ways I don’t want to.
Also, a lot of this happened in one single year, and for some reason that makes my brain latch onto it even more.
For people who deal with retroactive jealousy: did asking for details like this help reduce intrusive thoughts, or did it just feed the obsession? Is wanting to know “the number” a trap in itself?
TL;DR: My RJ keeps fixating on how many people my girlfriend did more than kiss with. I want to ask because uncertainty feels worse than knowing, but I’m worried it could make RJ worse. Has asking helped anyone here?