ADHD & emotional regulation
Hi all, this might turn into a bit of a ramble trying to properly explain what I'm talking about so be warned!
So along the myriad of ADHD perks I have, emotional regulation or the lack there of seems to be high on the list. Before being diagnosed (12 months ago-ish) I just thought I was an angry person who really had to control my irritability and short fuse. Once I realised how bad my ADHD actually was, emotional regulation specifically, it made me sit back and go "whoa wtf.." at how much it fucked me up.
I would get triggered by something small, like a comment or a tone that I perceived as that person being a dick, or even my kids not listening after repeated requests, then I would react prickly or get overly frustrated for what the situation required. In that moment, I would feel completely justified in how I was feeling, like even asking myself "is this too much?" to be sure and i felt it wasn't in that moment. I would nit-pick small shit, criticise unimportant shit, start arguments over dumb shit.
I felt like it got to a point when I would walk into a room and it would be instant discomfort like it was a matter of time before something "set me off". I started to despise myself and the effect I had on my family and how I made everyone feel like shit and just tense.
In some arguments I would lock in on "proving my point" and not see the damage it caused, i would say impulsive shit to get my point across and spiral in my own head. The worst part was like I was a passenger in my own brain, I was watching it unfold but couldn't stop it? Like my brain was telling my rationality and reasoning to sit the fuck down. Then after I finally levelled out I felt so much remorse, guilt and shame. I knew what I had to do to prevent it, but its like once I locked in in the heat of the moment, I was watching myself fuck things up.
I'm medicated now, and its like I'm a different person, its scary in a way, but is also so eye opening. But its like I need my "top-ups" otherwise it feels like that anger, frustration and irritability slowly starts to creep in again. And I'm so tired of being that way.
I wish nothing more than to be that chill person who doesn't get worked up over anything, but unfortunately, my brain is built with some spare parts left over.
Does anyone else struggle with the emotional regulation side? I am curious if its just me or if its some other underlying shit I got going on.
I'm blessed enough to have combined type ADHD for anyone wondering.
Thanks for reading.
I would like to clearly state - I never have been hands on with anyone due to this. I have broken things, and hit inanimate objects to try get out of my own head, but never to anyone else nor will I ever.