Wanting to cheat on my husband.
I want to start off by saying I know I’m 100 percent in the wrong, I feel horrible and torn.
I am 30 and my husband is about to turn 40, we’ve been married for almost 3 years, we met on a blind date, he was visiting my country from the Philippines, honestly he wasn’t my type but I found how nervous he was cute, he was smart and kind, family oriented and wanted to be married and settled, it was everything I wanted too, and I’ve had the worst luck meeting men that were “my type” that I had given up hope that I would met someone, which looking back now was stupid, but I held a lot of insecurities, as my friends and peers were getting married and having children, and starting there lives, I felt like I was being left behind, I jumped into the relationship without actually asking myself if I had any real feelings or attraction to him. After the first month of dating he had to leave back to the Philippines, we were long distance for 6 months, during that time I felt like I should have ended it, but I kept justifying everything in my head saying arranged marriages happen between strangers all the time, and they work out better the love matches some times.
After the 6 months he flew back, and within a month we were married, not long after the wedding I found out I was pregnant, it was everything we both wanted we were so excited, I was developing feelings for my husband and thought maybe I had actually made the right decision, and then everything unraveled at 11 weeks of pregnancy when I miscarried, we have since tried for the last 3 years to conceive with no luck, the the longer time goes on the more I’m mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship. The infertility isn’t the only issue, we constantly bicker over the smallest things, I often feel more like a mother then a wife to him, he irritates me, honestly the relationship has become toxic in a lot of ways, I too add to the toxicity, but over the last 3 months we have stopped sleeping together and have zero intimacy.
That brings us to today, there is a man from my work who has been flirting heavily, he says he wants to take me out on a date, he doesn’t know I’m married and I already feel like I’ve crossed some line by not immediately telling him that I’m married, I find myself thinking about him, envisioning a future with him, while I lay next to my husband every night, I know I’m wrong, I don’t know what to do, the simple answer would obviously be to divorce my husband but he is not a citizen yet and he is still waiting on immigration to either grant him with his visa or deny him, I don’t want him to be deported even if we divorce, his life is here now. WHAT DO I DO.