From some years I already fight against lust and porn, I try and fall down and the cycle repeats.
I've accepted God in my life in the start of 2024 and I can see the difference between my life now and before, before I didn't care if I did sin, now I do and it's soo hard that I feel distant from God, in my rational way of thinking I know God loves me and I can repent and everything is okay, I can change, but, my emotional side screams louder and keep using the human logic of "You did something bad for God, so now He dispises you".
I feel I can't go back, I can't have happiness by living in God's grace even know that it's great to not worry of anything because Jesus died for me.
And recently I finished school and started a collge which I didnt want to do, but I know I need to for a easier way of having a financial base. My dream is to become a manga writter and through manga speak about God to people that know about Hima nd those who doesn't, I have this dream since I've accepted Jesus as my savior, and I wanted to invest more time on it, but my parents doesn't understand and my dad in specific is always saying about jobs and all, in a way kinda trying to make me forget of this dream. One day, we were arguing about it and he said that the life is that, work so you can live, and since then I started thinking "Life is just wake up, work, work, work, go back home, sleep and continue everything until I die?", I know it's ridiculous, but my family puts a lot pressure on me about that because they had difficulties when they had my age, but I still don't know why they just tlak about work and jobs and that the tranquility times are over as I've became an adult.
And now that I feel away from God, and that stupid existencial crysis about jobs and living just to work, it makes me feel less joy to anything to life, I just think everything is useless and give up on dreams I had and m porpuse in life, which I since I've became a christian that is spreading the word to people, but I feel like God gave the task for the wrong person.
I need help, I need God, I want to feel joy by just being alive again and be more grateful, pray for me, talk to me I don't know, whatever it helps me get closer to God.
