u/DoctorOgas

(ALERT!!!. TOPIC WITH POTENTIAL TRIGGER.)

Little by little I am becoming aware of my problem

It's not exclusively an addiction to porn. It's an addiction to self-destruction. And I use porn as a means to achieve it.

I see things that mess with my mind and I enjoy it.

I watch interactive femdom videos where I hurt myself and I enjoy it

I watch videos that encourage me to make decisions that could potentially ruin my life, and my mind enjoys it.

Sometimes I go on a good streak of 2 weeks without watching porn and out of nowhere a very strong thought comes to me that says: "Force yourself to watch porn" This time, 4 hours straight with the most immortal material you can find"

And when I finally had that post-cum clarity, I spent a good while crying over what I had just done.

Does anyone identify with this and has it worked out successfully?

At work, a colleague started showing us photos from her phone without any hesitation, and all the photos were of her being happy. She was happy with her friends and living her life.

Another coworker did the same. Photos of his wedding, trips, and normal things. And without any fear that we'll see anything strange on his phone.

And I ask myself... Aren't they afraid that they might accidentally show us a pornographic image they've downloaded on their phone? Don't they have anything of their galery????

I think my friends have figured out I have a problem with this

A friend, without asking me, take my phone and opened my TikTok and discovered that my algorithm is 100% horrible content. It wasn't just woman dances. There were dark things.

He simply asked me what the hell was wrong with me and he gave me my phone.

I'm afraid he'll tell everyone. I've uninstalled TikTok.

Over the years I've had to watch increasingly strange porn and fetishes until I've reached a critical point.

Each time I've needed something stranger, and now that content haunts me mentally.

How can I erase it from my mind? This isn't even about porn anymore. It's about self-destruction.

Can anyone share their experience of how they managed to get out of this?

I thought I'd made it, since I managed to go 13 days without watching anything at all. But one day I relapsed simply because "watching content for just one day isn't a big deal. It's just one day". And since then I've seen it every day

There are sections for urge relapsing in some Discord groups.

But it feels awful when a user is supporting me and dedicating their time because they trust me, only for me to relapse in the end.

It's just awful of me because I've wasted someone's time. I've been watching horrible content while a good human being was texting me asking if I was still there...

So I never ask for help.

I just wanted to vent