Living on borrowed time
I made tons of mistakes in my past. People have means of blackmailing me, ruining my future or bringing me down. Things about me on the internet are there for people in my vicinity to find, and at any moment, that may happen. I can’t see my own face without the feeling of underlying shame. I am the same person I was when I was placed in that psychological stress or times of lapsing judgment. I am just as appalling as then.
So I live on borrowed time, and my life is a house of cards. The fear leeches in at times. But it’s not too bad. Everyone dies some time, and in my case, the collapse is beyond my control, after which death is only merciful. I know how I’ll do it, and have for a long time. My way out is known, and that gives some peace, but it will not be utilized unless it becomes necessary, or until it does. Sometimes, however, it brings some sadness to know im living on a daily coin flip before even reaching 20 years old. But thats just how ive made things to be.
It is beyond repair, and my lifetime is now limited to chance.