i have an online friend whos also my best friend, hes the only person i regularly message, i want to know if my expectations are unrealistic or toxic and advice on what i should do now. im sorry i will sound like an online loser
(just some context) when i asked about it, he told me he talks to me the most and has one other friend he usually talks with but they dont talk as much. recently i told him i felt like he doesnt really share much about his friends and what hes up to and how it made me feel like me sharing stuff was one sided or something so he told me he wants to try and make it better by trying to be less shy about sharing things, but since then a couple weeks passed and it doesnt feel like much has changed. before that conversation, he also used to dodge conversations whenever i mention a specific friend who i only found out about through joining him on roblox and they were there multiple times. i assume this is the person who he says he usually talks to.
sometimes ill be playing a game with him and then he says hes leaving- just straight up like that with no explanation or anything else, then i immediately see him on another game alone with the friend he says he doesnt talk as much with. sometimes he would be been playing something with the friend before he joined me on something else, then leave not long after to play with them again. that hurt me because it felt like playing with me was a detour, and especially because he just left without a why or a message then joined them immediately. i know this is not his fault but i felt real lonely after. it wasnt secretive or intentional, more like he didnt care to tell me, the issue for me is id always let them know if i switch to play someone else, so this made me feel unimportant. on another occasion, i was playing something with our friends and he was invited too, but he just said "ill join later". he was switching between games on roblox with the friend during that. it felt like he would rather spend time with them over me on multiple occasions, i dont expect him to choose me all the time and i know him choosing to spend time with them over me doesnt say he value them more as a person, but it tells me if i wasnt here it wouldnt be a bother.
i will be honest i would like a best friend who prioritises me the same way i prioritise them, not too much that it becomes unhealthy. or is this way of thinking already unhealthy ? i know if i stay like this i would probably just continue getting hurt eventually by every friend ill ever make, but i cant shake the feeling that someone who would feel the same way as me is out there. however in this case hes not even telling me when he leave to join someone else or telling me what hes up to when he plays with them all day long alone, i think if he was in this position he would feel hurt too, especially when we both say we are each others closest
this might be selfish but id feel more hurt than fun if it continues to stay like this, it feels draining and i would like to step back for my own peace if the talking doesnt work out, but i know he would still be hurt if i told him i didnt like our friendship or something. i plan to talk about this but im not sure how yet, i think the best way is to be honest about how it makes me feel, maybe ask for some distance so i can build other friendships so i rely only on this one less. i dont expect him to only talk to me but this dynamic makes me feel shitty, but im worried i might be too sensitive or possessive
(id like advice on what i should improve, im in my last years of secondary education so i probably dont have things figured out)