TW : suicidal thoughts
I'm a 23 yo, graduated energy and environment engineering last fall in France.
The thing is, I haven't been able to find a job in that field since then. Now granted I've had periods of not wanting to apply to anything and bed rotting, but it's so disheartening how junior jobs just seem non existent right now.
So now I struggle with money (found some little jobs here and there but nothing long term), my overseas parents struggle to help me pay rent and food, and I have a 17yo brother to take care of. A lot of time I skip meals so whatever we were able to get from food banks/our parents can last longer for him, but that just makes me sleep all day and have no energy to apply to anything, see anyone, much less get out the house. My papers are also up in October and need a engineering job to be renewed, and I'm not sure I'll be alive in November if I haven't found a job before that.
I have bursts of energy to apply to things, but it's so depressing opening LinkedIn and seeing 100 people have already applied to something, or whatever company wants you to have 8 years of experience or to have a drivers licence. In one case the company explicitly said it wouldn't be taking anyone needing administrative help for papers, like ????????
I wanted to not use AI for my cover letters since I despise it, but at the rate I need to pump them out to realistically get enough applications for a call back (which is way above what I'm currently doing), I simply have to and it makes me even more disgusted with the whole process.
I also lost my hair 2 years ago due to stress and untreated skin problems, and I hate how I look bald and how I can't even pay for a dermatologist to at least fix my skin. Though less these days, at some point it prevented me to get out of the house at all. I'm bi (mostly gay) and I know how shallow men are and that being black and bald at 23 is almost a death sentence if I don't get muscles or something. That motivated me to go to gym for a month in April, but now the buddy whose card I borrow took it back and mixed with my current headspace, I don't even go when I do have it. While I think I have an okay personality, I also think the person I am right now is objectively an unattractive loser I wouldn't wanna date, and it just gets me more depressed. Of course dating is not remotely important given my situation, but I'd still like to meet someone
Today I got caught shoplifting 15€ worth of spices I needed to make the food we get from food banks not completely bland and quite embarrassingly, a bottle of lube. I was fortunate to not have them call the police and leave my empty bag till I can come back and pay for the items, but no idea when or how that'll be. And while it is one of the most humiliating things to happen to me ever, the shame just makes me want to end it all even more. I really want this to be a slap in the face, a wake up call to fix my life and not end it in October, but I just don't have the energy nor hope lately.
I'm not sure where I was going with all this, but I guess it's good to scream into the void