it's 9:19 PM and I am alone…
Alone with all these thoughts and a feeling in my gut like a wound that will not heal. The sense of being, not just on a sinking ship, but on an actively malevolent sinking ship, is hard to take.
A month can go by where I don't talk to anyone. My housing is unstable. I am old and alone and I wish I could get a cat but if I lose the roof how can I take care of a cat?
Doesn't feel like there's a lot of time left, either personally for me, or for humans as a group. Empathy seems dead.
What a shitty way to wind up when there was so much beauty on this earth and we could've nurtured that and enjoyed together genuinely.
Instead we murder and pillage and call it peace.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had one person who would put an arm on my shoulder and say "you did the best you knew how."
I come from a beaten up abused background and now, looking back at the end of my life, I wonder what I could've been if I'd had a little encouragement. I was always creative but I had to go inside to live in my own little worlds to cope. I could never make decent money, or what I had was stolen by bottomless greedy landlords and even my own siblings.
Well, I guess this post just came from me trying to call a warmline to hear another human voice, and having them be closed.
I can't be the only person feeling this way. Although I don't wish it on anyone else. My best relationship was I had a cat from birth to 20 years. At least I shepherded one life. I miss him every day. My one small huge hearted friend.