I don't know who i am and idk how to take it.
Last night i was confronted about liking posts before my relationship my partner said i knew that i was trying to send some sort of message to these people. Previously id had a different view on my social mannerisms and genuinely thought i was just friendly, i didnt even consider howd these people would interpret it, plus i genuinely didnt like a lot of them yet i could admit that i did like at least one person. This ended up revealing a flaw in my logic, i genuinely believed with my whole being that i just didnt see it that way i kept telling my self.
"I just know these people"
"They're just in the friend group of course im going to like a couple posts."
"Ive literally un added everyone i know this isn't something i would intentionally do."
but the more and more i watched my self speak i began to realise that I'm not making sense. I would have had to have known what i was doing at some point especially if i knew that i was interested with one other person. After discussing with my self i ended up admitting that shes right and it was like a wave of confusion washed over my body. Ive never had something like this literally effect me physically and the sensation was strong. i felt confused and numb my breathing was both light and heavy, my room started to spin and i began to realise how could i genuinely not know what ive done?
What made me freak out even more is that if i was unaware that this was lie then what else have i lied to my self about? How can i even trust my own thoughts? I genuinely worry for my relationship i dont want to hurt her but i dont even know if what i just said is even true anymore. It feels like someone else is making decisions that I'm not aware of, i feel seperate from my self. This feeling has lingered on to today and im still pondering on these unusual thoughts. Please give me yours.