u/Dildo_Banging_Me

Some of you may have seen my previous post when I found out after a year of treatment, when I thought I would be ringing the cancer free bell, that I found out I had two new brain tumors (metastic melanoma - fun fact I have never had any skin cancer outside of my brain and according to my oncologist this happens in between 15-30 percent of patients).

I have done another round of radiation and heavy immunotherapy (for me oddly enough radiation is cake but the immuno deal I somehow manage to check all of the side effect boxes which is super fun) and I am do for last treatment next week and my followup brain scan at the end of the month.

I'm still not feeling better and I have been pretty in tune with my body. I was driving down a highway and knew something was wrong before I had two massive seizures which led to my initial diagnosis when they found a tumor in the left lobe of my brain. I also felt like before I found out about the new two tumors that something was off and I had voiced my concerns prior to that scan that discovered those so I had called off any celebrating with family before I even had the results.

Something still feels off. The difference with these two new tumors while the are SIGNIFICANTLY smaller and its in caps because the difference is insane, but they are in the same lobe but not like the original (on the outside of the brain fixed to the skull with blood vessels reaching into the brain), these are in different spots. I am having some very different symptoms (yes my doctors are very well aware and I worship the ground they walk on because they have taken amazing care of me and are always at worst a 2 hour delay between a message), and I am convinced despite every ounce I have of hope and positivity, that I wont make it to my two children finishing highschool (both are still in elementary).

I am trying so hard to just hold onto some hope or positivity but after the last blow of finding out the scans were not clean I am not sure how I can handle any more bad news. My wife god bless her, puts on such a strong face and handles so much with my uselessness and I try to make sure to use the limited time I'm feeling well to spend with her and the kids and schedule family to help with the kids so I can set up some self care time for her. Even if its just an hour for nails and just being outside of this.

She has been my rock but as odd as it sounds I feel like every setback I am letting her down. Even though that is completely incorrect and she would never even think that. My internal monologue though is a different story. I am taking advantage of free cancer therapy services to talk through everything I'm dealing with but it is just so so much.

TLDR : Feel like the cancer is not gone due to how I'm feeling. I've got less than a month to find out, but it's honestly after over a year journey is just getting to really wear and beat me down.

Gonna post some random details down here so I can avoid any questions.

Yes United States. One of the worst things is that one single treatment (I have had 15 now) is over $100,000. I have had to apply for medicaid which is a system I have paid into when I got my first job 20 years ago. The ridiculous part of it is that because the safety nets have all been cut that by the time I go through all of the application process and screenings that I get my card and it expires within a month (basically its taking 5 months to get approved for a 6 month approval window and after mailing I have my medicaid card for roughly 3 weeks, I just got my latest approval and card in the mail at the end of March and its expired by the middle of this month and I have to reapply and do it all again). This leads to me carrying roughly 600,000 to 700,000 in medical debt during each approval period. I has me genuinely considering asking my wife to divorce me in case I do not get approved and have to somehow figure this out.

I also have two mini me. They always looked at me as this strong, always there, anything you want dad. I was always more of the disciplinarian but fair and they always respected it. Now they are just happy to see me out of bed...its really fucking hard.

Like I said in the post, yes using a free cancer patient resource to go through counseling. Thank god for technology because I can do it from home via video call.

Appreciate the read, just needed to put it somewhere and vent. I hope I'm wrong and the end of this month with be good news and I can stop taking this poison to cure me, it just doesn't seem like that.

Finally anyone saying take a horse dewormer to cure cancer. I genuinely hope you swallow some rocks thanks.

STOP SUNTANNING I WORKED OUTSIDE FROM WHEN I WAS A TEEN TO INTO MY EARLY THIRTIES. YES VITAMIN D IS GOOD FOR YOU BUT UVS ARE NOT. YOU CAN TAN USING HIGH SPF SUNSCREEN AND YOU WONT PUT YOURSELF OR YOUR FAMILY IN A PLACE TO SUFFER BECAUSE YOU WERE "TOO TOUGH OR TOO PRETTY" TO PUT ON SUNSCREEN.

Love you all, hold close the ones you love you never know when life is going to change forever.