5 Year Anniversary
Hi fam. Today marks 5 years since I got the shocking results of an MRI that showed mets to my spine leading to a diagnosis denovo MBC (ER+, PR-, Her2-). On the surface, there’s so much to be thankful for — I have a great doctor, good support network and, most critically, my first line is still effective. I’m healthier and stronger than I was 6 years ago.
But this day marks my “if only” day — if only I could make it to the 5 year mark! If only I could see my youngest turn 10 (which she will tomorrow)! If only I can see my oldest turn 16! It feels a little as though, now that I’ve reached this critical milestone, anything more is just icing on a cake? And that feels…heavy? I wasn’t expecting this heaviness today and wanted to come be with the only group I’m a part of that might ‘get it’. I have no plans to mark this day publicly or with my family, but maybe I should? My “I Definitely Thought I’d be Gone by Now Day”? That feels morbid and I don’t particularly want to put my loved ones through that, so I feel like I should just let this day pass with my own private acknowledgment.
I’m a big fan of cognitive behavioral therapy: my thoughts become beliefs and translate into actions which further impact my thoughts and the cycle continues. Today will, in part, be spent reframing my thoughts: my disease is controlled (NEAD and negative Signatera), there are other promising lines of treatment, none of us know the number of days we have, etc.
These past five years I’ve traveled extensively, gone back for a second masters degree (representing a fun career pivot), watched my kids grow and develop and mature, practiced CrossFit and strength training for 2.5 years. While the first year was a traumatic blur, since then I’ve truly lived. I have a new laser-focus on the things that are important to me and manage to step out of environments that push me into unhealthy mental spaces. Which is to say that MBC has made me better at living. Far better, actually.
Anyway - if you’ve read this far. Thank you. I’m with you and I really value this group. I’d love to hear if there are small (or big!) symbolic ways you mark milestones as an MBCer?