Birthday Blues
It’s my birthday today, and I’m a month 4 days into a T-Break/quitting weed (undecided on which, taking it a day at a time) after 9 years of daily use.
Once I hit the month mark, the pink cloud of pride in the accomplishment has dissipated. I always get reflective and a bit sad around my bday, but this year it feels extra strong. I just keep thinking of the time thats passed, and how much more apathetic I’ve been toward life the last 6 years.
I was reflecting with my partner on the last year, and I just didn’t have that many great memories - every day seemed the same, playing video games, switching jobs, fretting about the dog and apartment and the problems my loved ones were facing. My internal world just felt hollow, bleak, or tinged with depression and anxiety.
Now that I’m past a month, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around all the time I’ve lost to being high. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but I was hiding, from myself and from my life. I’m sad and mad at myself, for losing so much of life, and my late twenties, to sitting on the couch.
Life is just so beautiful, and difficult, and real, and I love feeling the agency and confidence I’ve gained back the last few weeks. I know it’s all a journey and I can’t change the past, but I’m having trouble facing the reality of my choices and all the time that’s been lost to weed.
Anyone else struggle with that?