I know this topic has been discussed a lot here but I rarely see perspectives from people with more restrictive passports (like myself) or similar family/cultural dynamics to mine. I’d especially appreciate hearing from those who relate to that but advice from anyone is welcome.
I’m a Middle Eastern woman who moved to Northern Europe 5 years ago for my master’s. After school I found a job I love, an amazing boyfriend and a sense of freedom and peace that I didn’t have before. I have a long term residence permit through work now. Moving to Europe isn’t easy for us, so I see this as the opportunity of my life.
My parents are traditional and very religious. They originally supported my move only for my studies, expecting I’d return afterward. Now that I’ve decided to stay, they’re having a hard time to accept it. Especially my mom creates a lot of guilt for me, saying things like she feels abandoned, that she misses me too much, that we can’t have the mother daughter relationship she’s always imagined etc. I know it sounds like a lot but I do understand where she’s coming from. In my culture, it’s very uncommon for a daughter to live abroad independently. As a daughter the default expectation is for you to stay close and care for family. So while advice like “just live your life” makes sense in theory, it doesn’t really work in my situation. I agree with these ideas, it’s just that my parents will never think like that.
I no longer define as religious and I find the cultural expectations back home difficult to accept and insufferable. Because of that, I have hide parts of my life from my parents (like drinking, eating pork, going out late, and even my long term relationship, since my partner isn’t Muslim but that’s a story for a different day). It’s sad but it’s necessary to keep a peaceful relationship with them. And this is why going back is not an option.
I also know our weak passport contributes to my mom’s worries. She can’t just visit me when she misses me because that would require a visa which is super expensive and tiresome. I’m doing what I can to bridge the gap. I call her daily, visit once a year for a month, plan trips together to visa-free countries and I’m saving to sponsor her visa here soon. But it never feels like enough. I know she’ll always wish I lived closer and it weighs on me knowing she won’t be part of my everyday life unless I give up the life I’ve built here.
I often feel quite alone trying to fight this guilt and these difficult dynamic. It definitely affects my feeling of belongingness, which I believe is a crucial need as an expat. I really look forward to see the perspectives of people who had to deal with these feelings.