Hi, I am a 20-year old female from the Philippines, and I genuinely feel like I am at my lowest right now. I can't even take proper care of myself and have to drag myself just so I can keep the last bit of dignity I have. I have low confidence because I keep contradicting and sabotaging myself. I have no friends to turn to and contact whenever I feel lonely because I just feel like a burden and I feel like nobody really cares. Last September 2025, I celebrated my first year of being consistent in the gym. I have lost a lot of weight in the span of one year, and I did it all healthily. I felt better. I felt like I really did something good for myself. My eating habits were good, and even though my social life had bumps and challenges, it was still better than now. I stopped that streak of going to the gym. It has been 3 months of inconsistent workouts now, and trust me, it's really inconsistent (I even had a month totally off). I relapsed and started binging and over-eating again. I don't like myself. The way my body looks, the way people perceive me, the way I don't have friends that I really like and can confide to, the way my brain keeps thinking negative things about me, the way I break habits and routines I try hard to establish, the way I numb myself instead of facing the hurt head-on. I don't like this. These past few weeks I have been trying to get back on my feet (journalling, reading, going back to the gym), but I still spend a lot of time on my phone running away from the pain of not liking my own life. I have been just watching YouTube, Netflix, playing Mobile Legends, watching p0rn, masturb4ting, eating A SHIT TON of food, comparing myself to people, hating my body, and repeat. I have been seeing posts that tells people to find their why, their purpose, their reason for being so that the change is holistic, but honestly, I don't know. I used to be a leader but now I just got so tired of being the one that does the heavy lifting and being the one to take the blame so I really don't want to put myself through it again. I used to be passionate about serving others but I felt like I am not really appreciated and was even taken advantage of for wanting to serve people. I don't like myself. Even when I was doing better, there was always this lingering belief that something inside me is rotten, that being better is just a performance, that my natural state is to live badly.
I'm not entirely sure of why I posted this, but I just wanted to share this to someone. I am just so frustrated about my situation. I honestly do not know how to overcome this. It's okay if you don't understand, but please, extend me some grace and kindness. Thank you.