u/DepressedLesserBeing

Gender dysphoria? Transitioning? I'm so confused. Why do I even feel bad that I'm a male? That doesn't make any sense. Do I just hate how I look? How men act? Seeming like a threat?

This doesn't make sense. Why do I despair so much over having the body of a male? Logically, there's nothing wrong with being taller, larger, bigger, no? It just feels so arbitrary. Women have body hair, I just have more as a male. But why is that bad? I have a larger skeleton; shouldn't that be good? It doesn't even mean anything. It's just more bone. I just feel gross and helpless. Can't I condition myself to not feel this way? A lot of the time I feel like whatever I'm feeling isn't really what I'm feeling at all.

I wonder if I don't have gender dysphoria and I've just convinced myself that I do because of some odd sexual experiences as a child, hating myself for being ugly, or desiring to minimize any threat signals I give off.

I have no personality, but one of the only things I yearn for is to be female? Wha? Are those studies about trans people having the brains of their gender accurate? If I were to get a brain scan, what would it say?

I was born with a condition that fucked up my face (treacher collins). It's not in my head. It's a condition, and people have said things about it before. I kind of became a recluse a few years ago after my gender dysphoria got worse. I realized that I could never really become a girl, because I can't deal with how people would look at a deformed trans person. Adding the stigma of being deformed to being trans, I realized it would be an impossibility to transition, and I think I broke down a little bit. I turn 21 this month. I want to stress that I rarely speak outside of necessity, even online. Writing this post is a miracle for me.

I'm a monster, along with many other things. By continuing to live while being deformed, I'm forcing my presence on other people, causing them discomfort. People assume I'm worse of a person because I am deformed. I can't disagree. If everyone looks at me and assumes I'm a creep, that makes me a creep. It doesn't matter how I am internally, because definitions are defined by people, not one person. I don't know why I'm posting this. I think I want help. I want someone to say something before I spend another year in my room on my bed alone. I tried to die but I failed and I couldn't stop crying. Why does something subhuman want to live? Why does it want to live? I'm scared to be hurt. I'm scared to cry in front of someone because they would laugh at the mere thought of a subhuman thinking it has feelings. I'm so, so scared. I've always been so, so scared. I can't do this. I don't know why I'm saying this. I can't be a girl, because I can't even be human.

I don't want to be a monster. I promise, I'm not. I promise. I feel like this every day. I've tried therapy, medication, nothing works. I don't know how I'm still alive. I want to be cute...