I think that I've reached the limit, but not ready to recover, help, please
(Sorry if there are spelling/grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language) Hello, I've been restricting for 1.5 years now... time's passed both slowly but at the same time so fast... The thing is, I'm very uw at this point, and I've been seeing a dietitian to do some harm reduction... basically she told me I should be at the hospital getting treatment but since I'm not underage it's not like they can force me to do anything. I don't weigh myself, but when I found out my bmi I couldn't believe it. Body dysmorphia is scary af. I don't feel "that bad" or maybe I got used to it, but these last weeks I feel like the end is near... The food noise has became unbereable, I literally can't stop thinking of food. I'm ravenous like a fucking raccoon. I'm crying more than ever. I feel so clumsy and weak all the time. My brainfog has made me a dumb person. I'm not myself anymore. I don't feel like a human being. I don't feel ready to recover, but I can't see myself doing this any longer... I feel like my body's against me :/ I know it's the sign to recover and that, but I hate myself so much I don't even care about my life... That's been keeping me from actually doing some positive changes. How do I even start? I feel so so so so lost and sad... I want this thing to end me. I know there's no point on this shit, but I can't bring myself to take some actual action or something. Anything helps. Please, help me