I (F29) met this girl (F29) 5 years ago during our final year of university. She is quite an introvert but we bonded slowly and I started to catch feelings.
The thing is, she has always acted a little bit different with me.
She is quite germ-conscious, always washing stuff and using her own cutlery, but started to try my drinks and using my straw. She is perfectly fine by herself but started to suggest we watch some Netflix together remotely while on holidays as she was travelling to her hometown or evenings at Uni (we watched at least 3-4 full shows with several seasons like that)
She would allow no one in her room (no housemates and making her best friend sleep in the spare room when she was over) but started to invite me and hang out there for hours (sitting at her desk, I never touched her bed to respect her space tho). She had a semi-strict sleep schedule to avoid headaches if she lacked sleep but would chat with me on her couch until 4am regularly.
I ended up confessing that I liked her, not thinking I had a chance because we never had any physical closeness and she seemed very straight, but she surprised me saying she wanted some time to think about it, took a few days, and told me she preferred we'd be just friends. I took some time away to accept it, we graduated and moved away and we reconnected after a few months to be friends again.
I dated someone else for 2 years, during when we'd just catch up over the phone once in a while and never met IRL.
I saw her again in person for the first time last year and I was a little scared but I didn't feel anything at first, not even hugged and just started to chat. This was until she brought me to her lab to show me her research with sparkling eyes and something broke in me. I kept thinking "how cute". I love passionate people, but this was hitting me more as I could feel she really wanted me to see what she achieved and was nervously making sure to not forget anything as she knew I love her subject of work.
Then, every time we'd have a drink together and started chatting about life (that happened a lot) I kept thinking how much I wanted to kiss her. We spent one week together, 24/7, full of laughter and kept saying how crazy easy it was to spend time together, exchanged a long tight hug at the airport, where she waited for me to disappear before leaving, and I just bottled up everything and left.
I had a big change in life, moved to the other side of the world for a job shortly after seeing her, and 6 months later she just visited me.
Again, there were little extras from her: she got me my favourite snacks from home she still remembered after years, shared drinks in the same glass, asked me to put sunscreen on her back (I did very respectfully but also taking my sweet time), asked and followed my choice every time she was hesitating to buy clothes for herself or even souvenirs for her family, talked every night until 2-3 am even after spending exhausting days walking around, made extra stops to my favorite shops by herself to get me a treat for after work even without knowing the city. One day, she stopped suddenly in her tracks just to say "I'm so happy to be there with you". The biggest new thing is that she normally moves away or pulls back if our hands or shoulders brush but this time we'd be sitting or standing touching or she'd let our fingers crossed for a full minute while watching the same thing on the phone, never pulling back.
On my side, if I'd been a potential interest, I couldn't have hoped for better. I brought her to places she liked, had special adventures that went even better than I expected, found her lost passport for her by speaking local language, aced all the navigation so she'd be stress free, brought her to the perfect shops to get gifts for her favorite person (her little sister), introduced her to friends and gifted her her birthday present on the day she left, so she could open it on the day the following week.
But I know I'm not a potential interest. I don't want to ruin the memory of a trip she liked by confessing again, so now I'm left out with my feelings to bottle up again and missing her every day, knowing I did my best and that I need to get her out of my mind.
Very long rant, but at least it's out.