More specifically, I don't really know what my sexuality is anymore.
Around middle school, my group of friends at the time convinced me I was a lesbian because I innocently (in my mind) noted that I'd prefer my [crush?] if he had a pair of breasts (amongst probably other comments, though I don't recall them). Since I didn't really have proof of attraction to men (no romantic nor sexual experience, nor any fantasies/crushes where masculinity was the draw) and consider myself fairly suggestible, I went along with this and eventually began to self-id as a lesbian. I still do to this day.
The thing is, I have no idea what my sexuality is. I do find women attractive, and the concept of skin-to-skin contact with them appealing, but I'm not aroused by it. I used to fantasize about women a lot, actually, but more so from the position of a voyeur (and even that didn't arouse me). The thought of being involved in the action, per se, does nothing for me (although I wouldn't say no to it; I'm very interested in at least trying). At the same time, being as touched starved as I am, I have been aroused by women/feminine people before... in fact, when being held by people like that, even nonsexually, the only feeling I get is a combination of anxiety and arousal. I have no idea how an actual sexual situation would go down between me and a woman. I'm really scared of it despite my interest, because I wouldn't want to hurt her by being so lacking.
I am, undeniably, attracted to men (with the same enthusiasm as a pig being led to the slaughterhouse), though this primarily manifests in a very specific type of fantasy and I don't really know how it reflects on my sexuality as a whole. I find most men ugly on a physical level, and the idea of spending the rest of my life with one breaks me out in hives. At the same time, I find the concept of being dominated/"broken in" by something hypermasculine very appealing on a sexual level. It's the only breed of fantasy that actually gets me going, and it's endlessly frustrating. I don't know how I'd actually fare in a sexual situation with a real man, but I know I'd be terrified. I find the idea of a real man being attracted to me disgusting, also.
There's a person in my life who I'm fairly close to (we plan to live together), with whom I've discussed very kinky scenarios that don't actually involve sex (though they arouse me greatly). I'm not attracted to them physically, but I do wish to be intimate with them at least a little (again, touch-starved). Although they're nonbinary, they lean more towards the masculine side of the spectrum, and have expressed a level of interest in transitioning. I've admitted to them that if they were to go on T I might feel a little uncomfortable, but have reassured them that it's a personal issue I would get over.
In truth, I'm terrified of them transitioning fully. I would never discourage them from doing it, obviously, but the concept of there being a "man" in my house scares me to the point that I start shaking. I fear if they did transition, I wouldn't want to be intimate with them anymore. I don't know what my problem is.
In short, I don't really know what my sexuality is but I'd hesitate to genuinely call myself a lesbian. Issue is, that's all anyone has known me as for the past 6+ years. The obvious solution is to test the waters with different people but I'm unsociable and unattractive most days so that's not really an option. I don't know what to do, or if I should even do anything about it. I'm not exactly torn up about lying or anything since I'm not doing it for personal/social gain, and it's not like I secretly fanatasize about running away with a man (ew), but I'd like to get clarity for my own peace of mind if nothing else.
If I am straight, I have a very damaged relationship with men that I 1) Can't really understand the extent of, 2) Am unsure if I even want to fix. If I am bi, I'll probably never know since no woman has ever wanted me. Figuring this out later in my life doesn't sound very appealing either, but I guess I'll never know otherwise.