I had a baby and nobody knows.. Just sitting with this guilt now.
*Also posted in r/confessions*
Throwaway.
Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying a secret too heavy for one person to hold.
My ex and I went through two miscarriages together during our relationship. Not long after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant again. He had already moved on (cheated with coworker, they're still together, I heard she's expecting also), his family never liked me, and everything between us felt shattered already, so I kept it to myself. I told nobody besides my best friend (no family or other close friends).
Fast-forward I gave birth in a hospital hours away from home with only nurses around me. Just me and my son. He was real. He existed. I held him, named him, loved him. He got sick and passed months later..
I cremated him and kept his ashes with me everywhere until I got into a car accident and lost those too. Sometimes it feels like I lost him twice..
The worst part is that nobody knows any of this happened. Why tell my ex, break his heart, etc. Maybe in the future I'll tell him the truth... My best friend, the only person who knew the full story of everything that happened in the beginning, died months before my giving birth. So now it feels like I’m the only person left carrying proof that my son was ever here at all and I don’t know what to do with that kind of grief..
The reason for me writing this out is because a few nights ago I and a few people were casually talking about mother's day and I mentioned I might treat myself if I could afford it (most people know abt my miscarriage history regardless) but one guy said "Why would you treat yourself, its not like you're a mother." I bit my tongue but it's been on my mind since so I felt I needed to get it out.
I have many logical/non-malicious reasons as to not have told my ex or his family thus far. Might later on, haven't decided yet/how.
I am infact in therapy before you ask lol.
That's all I'll say. Thanks for reading.
And an early Happy Mother's Day to all the women who've suffered a loss, in any way and even to those who haven't. We're all mothers...