For context. My partner has never once even given me so much as a hint they have the capability to do this, if anything they seem the opposite.
I have only been with my current partner for nearly 10 months and the thought that they will just eventually cheat on me is just permanently seated in my mind, and has been since the start and I think this is because of my last relationship.
My last relationship was nearly 6 years long and never once did I think that they would do smth like that, but they became extremely emotionally abusive, manipulative and were cheating on me for around the final 12 months of being together with several people and one person as their main thing and had essentially started another relationship with them whilst being with me.
They also had a foul, don't give a shit attitude once I had found out and I was stupid enough to believe it wouldn't happen again, only for them to do it again the literal exact same night I was next out of town.
This had sent me down an extremely dark path that I never wanna get close to again. I barely had the energy to do small things such as get up, clean myself, eat food, etc. I began self harming and had attempted suicide.
I had eventually got out of this pit and became *much* better and have gotten to where I am now. I feel I am a much greater person than I was then, my confidence is higher, my life in terms of careers and social circles has only improved, etc. My current relationship is also the best I have ever been in, and my partner only strengthens these traits in myself. They are an angel. I genuinely feel loved by this person, yet I can not for the life of me stop thinking that they will cheat on me.
Not just a "what if", rather my mind is telling me it is a *when*.
I hate the fact that my mind keeps telling me this and I feel like it is limiting me mentally towards my partner, like my mind is not letting me feel as closely to them as I feel like I could with absolute security that nothing will happen like I once did with my last.
I want to reiterate, this is because of absolutely *nothing* that my currently partner has done. Again, they have given me no sign that they would do that. Not. One.
I have also never told them about this lingering feeling nor have I ever let this become a problem for us both, I have so far managed to keep it just being a me problem because quite frankly, I don't want to potentially upset them by letting them know this is what my mind is telling me. The last thing I want is to ruin us or potentially make them feel like I don't feel any certain way towards them because I truly love this person so much and I do trust them because they have proven to me I can trust them, but my mind is essentially torturing me over this and I can't get it out of my head that they *will* eventually cheat on me, and that I basically just need to sit back and wait for it happen.
I don't want to think like this anymore. The level of betrayal I felt with my ex and the places it sent me, I just feel like my mind has put up some sort of shield maybe and I can't seem to let it down.
I also don't think it really helps with just *how* good and healthy I know this current relationship is, and how much I do feel appreciated and wanted by them.
I really don't know. There is probably more I could add to this to maybe help others understand where my head is at, and I may when I think of them.
Thanks