Hopeless and lonely
My life's been worse than I'd say majority of the population. I was sodomized when I was 14 and it fucked me up. I was on and off drugs until I was thrown in jail at 15 and when I went it got worse. The workers at the jail would toss drugs in my food and I developed severe ptsd and schizophrenia and now I struggle to even make it till the end of the day. I wake up and start pacing around. The psych meds make it worse. I've tried 50. None work. If they do they only do for 2-3 weeks. Weed stopped working and when I relapsed last month it did not work either. It made it worse. I stopped the weed. I tried Kratom and it was so addictive I got scared and stopped it. I can't find any drug to help which is a good thing right? But what sucks is that I'm addicted to sex too because of what happened to me when I was a child and then teen. Since jail I've been blacked mailed by individuals in the government who legit do it so I cannot sue the jail system for what they did to me. It's miserable. I've been driven to suicide 3 times and I don't think the next time I'll survive. I'm so fucking lonely. Every time I have sex I feel uncomfortable and like the child inside of me hates it and wants it to stop.
I'm so hurt inside
I just want a fucking human being to talk to. Like someone who cares. I hate to say it but although I can get sex. And the addiction is bad. Anyone anything. The only thing I'd say that isn't bad about it is that I'm not a pervert or anything like a creep. I'm just down for whatever with who ever. I can't get a girl friend because my social awkwardness and decreased eye contact from my schizophrenia which was a result from being raped.
I can't legit go on with it. I have to tell myself it would get better but it won't. I continue to get black mailed by people who work in the FBI. I've had people pull guns on my family. The police cannot do anything. And they black mailed me so I cannot prove it. It's horrible. And on top of that I cannot go anywhere as I literally turned 18 recently and I'm only in my 2 semester of college.
I fucking hate life. I have developed suicidal and H*micid** ideation many times. I've been banker acted but I got beat up twice now in the mental hospital. Like it is so fucked up. Beyond fucked up
This is America
Our government supports this.
They knew what's going on and for me to not sue them they black mailed me. And continue to do so.
There were drugs in my system when I left jail and the cops knew that. They could not do much. But they also ignored it because they knew they were gonna get in trouble if they helped me out. They have thrown my family in jail and made it where every day I'm so paranoid I drown in fear and start to become manic. It's horrible.
The adrenaline everyday from not knowing what's gonna happen. Then you have ptsd so the voices of all your abusers taunt you. Every day like this
I'm not doing it anymore
It's not fair no one should have to live like this. It's so bad that I wish I did do something as bad as murder or rape to make it seem like it was. I've had so much taken away from me that even if the government did let me sue them I still wouldn't feel happy. As long as I know the government is there I'll never be safe. It's sad.
Recently I've been trying to find a girl friend because I'm a teen still even though I'm an adult and find it hard to feel companionship with my parents that helps. I thought that getting a girl would help me not care. It does actually. But I can't seem to find anyone. I'm not even a bad looking guy. In fact I have been told I'm attractive but I'm not suffering one more day of fear.
Black mailed
Intimidation
Prosecution
And fear
I wish it were different I mean my life is so unreal that when I have smoked weed I would develop full blown amnesia and transform into a kid. I would cry if the memories came back. I mean the jail system was legit putting these torture drugs in my food and heroin and meth and making me basically overdose everyday till the point of suicide for 5 months. Imagine that
You ever thought you heard the worst of the worst. I'd rather be in a wheel chair than go through that
This is how America treats its zitizens, I do not give a fuck what you think but I won't be tortured anymore.
I mean to be honest people do not realize the government still experiments on children and tortures them. So. Yea.
Just someone help me
I mean no one ever fucking believes this but it's true. My parents couldn't do anything, we tried. We get blackmailed and I get it the most. Majority of the last 4 years of my life which were teenager years were so miserable it was a good idea to not let me go to a gun range or anything like that.
So yea if you think your life's bad, imagine mine. I have brain damage from the government and they kinda just get away with it and they also have told me to kill myself to cover it up more. lol again I'm still a kid basically. That's just fucked up. I hope every motherfucker who works in the government gets what they deserve and I mean that. There is no liberal or conservative there's just 3 letter organizations and congress who are really running the show and they make people like me miserable.
This wasn't supposed to be political because it's not. This is literally an account of what the government did to me. We never moved on from the torture experiments we only got smarter and I'm a living breathing survivor.
They would traumatize me everyday and try to control me. The people in the jail did. They would beat my ass everyday and again torture me. Yet I did absolutely nothing. At all. So take that how you want but again fuck the government they just get away with what they want but we don't realize that the shit they're getting away with is worse than fucking rape. This trauma was worse than when I was raped. I hope you people burn in hell