Relationship with your parents
I'm writing this here to get a positive perspective on relationships with parents. I've met some people who had the worst possible parents yet grew up to be the kindest adults. I hope to be like that someday, but I'm struggling.
I'm also a firm believer in the idea that I'll be accountable for the way I treat my parents, regardless of how they raised me. But I've grown numb and don't feel anything anymore. I want to change that. I feel like these are facts stuck in my mind that I just can't get over.
Fact 1: My mom favoured my brother when it came to education. We both did A Levels, but he was sent to school and given tuition while I had to study privately and pay for it myself by teaching tuitions. Later on I completed my bachelors by doing part time jobs while my brother was sent abroad.
Fact 2: My mom always complained about my dad. He wasn't the nicest person, but I feel like in some cases he was right.
Fact 3: We used to live in KSA. My phuppo living in Karachi was very toxic, and when my dad retired and it was time to move back, my mom planned to shift to Lahore. Since they were testing whether we could settle there, I was left in Karachi where I had to endure my phuppo's hatred towards my parents being taken out on me. Luckily my brother was there and had my back.
Fact 4: Three years ago I got nikkahfied. I wasn't really interested since the boy came from a broken family, but my mom brought up my shortcomings, including my scoliosis. Also how do I exolain this, my dad doesn't necessarily scold us directly — he takes his anger out on my mom instead, so out of fear I agreed.
Fact 5: The guy turned out to be very toxic. Being in that relationship was so draining, I felt like the life was being sucked out of me. He was also aggressive — he admitted to having hurt himself due to anger issues, which I saw as a major red flag. I wanted to end the nikkah immediately, but my mom stopped me and said we'd try to talk things out. Luckily the guy wanted it ended too, so it was over and I was spared.
After that, my mom cried a lot. I was sad too, but I kept telling myself it wasn't the end and tried to stay positive through that phase.
Alhamdulillah, I have a job now and I'm doing well. But I feel like I've accumulated so much anger towards my parents that I don't feel any love for them anymore. If I'm good to them, it's out of the fear of Allah rather than genuine feeling. One thing that sticks with me — my mom fell while cleaning the floor, didn't make a sound, and I found out very late. She was angry at me for that but I felt no guilt.
To give some context: other people's parents have actually complimented me on how I carry myself so I feel like I'm not a bad person. Despite the verbal abuse happening behind closed doors, I always managed a smile. But it's become too hard to keep doing that now.