17M, emotinal baggage of previous relationship (her-18F)
So maine apne jee prep ke wakt ye sab chutiyab kiya. I know, i regret it a lot.
We must have dated for maybe like 3 months approx. We used to meet maybe once a week and make out.
Atp mujhe yaad bhi nahi meri padhai kaisi chal Rahi usa wakt.
Har roz raat ko hum baat karte the and yk sexting and shit.
Call pe bhi we use to talk about all that stuff and masturbate to each other.
Then one day she tells me her house is gonna be empty for 2-3 days and maybe we can have sex.
She bought condoms from a friend of hers.
So we plan every single thing, uske ghar mein cctv tha and ek maid bhi thi, I trusted with all that tbh even though I used to ask her countless times to make sure every single thing is covered and just used to say "trust me", so I did.
That day we did everything as planned, I'm not sure if the maid saw me or not. Anyways I go to her house, we do it. I was there for a good 2-3 hours. Then i left and came home.
Everything then went back to normal.
After a few weeks, One day we just met and roamed around and then went to our normal makeout place, spent some time, then came back home.
And the next fucking day, it was evening and her father called me and told me to hand the phone to my mom/dad.
And then it just went downhill after that, luckily at that specific moment my parents didn't react and just tried their best to sort this out and clear it. Luckily even her parents didn't wanna escalate and it all got over in 2 days.
Aur fir jo ma bap ne meri gand maari. Har roz proper galiya, lectures, khate wakt sote wakt, kabhi free dikh jau tab. Matlab jitne lode lag sakte the lag gaye.
After a few weeks wo bhi chup hogye and it all went back to normal.
Looking back i honestly feel like both of us were in it for the sex and weren't really emotionally connected and i hate myself even more for this.
After a few days one of my female friends randomly called me to ask how everything was going and i just noticed my heartbear was rising, like a lot. This started happening every time before an interaction with a female, so is it like ptsd? I don't know, but it still happens now and the anxiety is next level, even though it's nothing serious. Idk how exactly this is gonna affect my future life but yeah right now I'm anyways mentally not ready to date anyone or even try, like even having a crush on sm1 feels like too much to try and I'm just tired.
And yes jee mein bhi kuch khas nahi hua 8X% hi aayi.
Now all that's left is hopelessness and self hate. Morale toh jee ne alag se chod diya.