I’m looking for sound advice on a friendship that has spanned over 12 years but has become increasingly exhausting to maintain. Recently, this friend sent a separate group message to my partner and me, "lecturing" us because a joke we made about a mutual friend's job supposedly crossed a line. Not only was the joke consistent with how the group normally interacts, but this person also claimed the rest of the group doesn't talk about our jobs or even joke about them, which is factually incorrect.
This friend, however, has a history of disregarding my professional and personal boundaries:
- She once told me I was "enabling" my mother’s alcoholism during a medical crisis when I was following professional advice.
- Years ago, when I had to work late and kept her updated, she got frustrated and abandoned our takeout dinner outside my apartment’s security door instead of waiting.
- I previously had to revoke her electronic door code because of past disagreements.
- Overall, treating me as inferior and talking down to me/making me feel like I am stupid (for example, if I say something, they at times come off condescending and even like they are calling me stupid without doing so)
We had successfully maintained a "twice-a-year" dinner schedule to keep the friendship at a distance, but this recent "principal-style" lecture has me reconsidering everything. My partner and I are already in agreement that we’re done with the BS, and we are tired of the drama.
My questions for the group:
- Is it worth maintaining the "twice-a-year" loop, or does this pattern of behavior justify a total "slow fade"?
- How do you handle a friend who tries to maintain a "mentor" or "authority" persona over you, even though you've outgrown that dynamic?
- Has anyone successfully navigated leaving a group chat/dynamic like this without it blowing up? For example, if I leave the group chat versus muting it, everyone gets notified and it has the potential to spiral from there.
I’m at the point where I feel like I'm wasting energy walking on eggshells. I’d appreciate any tactical advice on how to finalize this break as we have had one successful friend leave the group years ago (though I don't talk to them) and I envy their ability to have done so.