Depression + Frustration
I just need to vent, so please bear with me. 62YOF. I have been dealing with progressively worsening arthritis since 2017. It's to the point now where I need a rollator walker to get around my house or if I need to be out moving about much. At a minimum, I need a cane (in crowded areas) and always need to take sitting breaks. It's in both hips, both knees, my spine, and both hands and wrists. I am a candidate for a hip replacement but the docs won't do it because my BMI is too high. I have tried to lose weight, but my metabolism has slowed since menopause and the weight doesn't come off even at 1200 calories per day. I recently started a GLP-1 pill for weight loss (not covered by insurance), and it has somewhat lowered my inflammation, but I have not lost any weight. I am so frustrated because I can't do anything I want anymore. I can't even comfortably have sex with my spouse. This makes me incredibly depressed and also angry. My friends and family constantly "forget" that I cannot do certain things. "Let's go for a hike." "Come to this concert (where there is no place to sit down)." "Let's go dancing!"
"Let's meet at this restaurant in the city (that's up a flight of stairs and parking is 3 blocks away)" -- I have to say no. Then repeatedly ask me, "So what's wrong with you?" or "We'll go out when you feel better," but I won't feel better -- I only seem to get progressively worse. Even my spouse and adult children forget and walk briskly ahead of me when we go out. My son even laughed at me when I was trying to move across the room and had to grab onto anything I could because my walker was not nearby. I have seriously thought about what it might feel like to be unalive. I am not in a good place, and I am not doing well. I try to focus on the blessings—I have a good job that pays well and lets me work remotely. I have cute cats. I have a nice single-story house (as of January of this year, thankfully). I live in a safe neighborhood. I don't have any other major health issues, such as diabetes or cancer. I can still work, listen to music, and enjoy friends who come by. I know my family loves me. I try to plan things to have something to look forward to. But some days my pain is so bad, and my depression is so severe that I just want it to be over with.