u/Daydream_Choclatepie — reddlx

Hi,

I am working on this story for a while.

I initially liked the idea of writing from the first person pov. I was very pleased with how the character came across. The problem is that there is one moment that is VERY important. Now I am thinking about rewriting it in third person; because I feel I did not archieve the level of heartbreak I wanted.

I would love for you lovely people to tell me how that little Exerpt made you feel.

Context: The MC is a princess who has to kill her father in a ceremony, so that her brother is allowed to be crowned. So TW: blood and patricide.

Thank you for reading!

PS: It is not the entire chapter, just a snippet of it. I took the word count from the word document I copy/pasted the snippet to get the exact word count of it.

Subgenre was just a guess but considering it is a scene about patricide it felt apporpriate.

>! I caught Aunt Sylven’s eye. She gave a short grim nod. Her grey eyes held a hardened kind of grief. And I felt a burning shame about being so selfish to think this day would be a burden for me alone. Not when Sylven would see her brother die today, she who already turned an emperor into a corpse and a prince into a ruler.!<

>!“Today we are gathered to”- the arch acolytes voice sounded like it was drowned out by a thousand drums, as my heart drowned in its own dread- “witness emperor Aurelian’s rightful ascend to the heavens. To witness Prince Sylvas taking his rightful place on the throne of life”. Booming applause rose from the masses. Cheers, those cheers. A happy sound should not be that haunting.!<

>!“An Emperor taking his place in death, a prince in life” chanted the crowd. The Voices grew louder, swelling into a roaring flood. The Drum echoed through the temple. One. Two, three beats I could not help it but ask myself; Can People drown without ever touching water? It felt like it.!<

>!Aunt Sylven moved behind Sylvas the ornate cloak in hand. Her voice carried through the hall, like a verdict from the gods themselves, “An Emperor ascends the heavens. A Prince ascends the throne“.!<

>! I bit my tongue until I tasted blood, I had my entire life to prepare. Yet I had pathetic little trust in myself. The drum beat again. Three agonizing times where I had the chance to shriek duty and let father life. Three agonizing drumbeats were I squandered it.!<

>!“Seliea” fathers voice was barely more than a whisper. The Realization that he would never speak my name again should not have surprised me. It did. Surprises were wicked things. Would I be able to cherish his last words like they deserved? Or would they be tainted by my own selfish desire to do what Dahlia the Disgraced did?!<

>!I looked at him for the last time. He sank to his knees like a man doomed. His eyes were proud and pleading. I choked back a sob, closing my eyes as I forced my breath to slow down. For a blink of an eye, I was five again, fathers’ green eyes were filled with fond pride as I presented him with a clumsy drawing of a pony. I felt him tossing me in the air, spinning me until mother chided him. I remembered the time when I was 12.!<

>!Sylvas and I were lounging in the garden after lessons, enjoying fresh strawberry juice while basking in the sun. The peace lasted until we started splashing each other. I recalled father laughing so hard at our antics that he had tears in eyes, before he wrestled us down to tickle us because we focused the fire on him. When I opened my eyes again, I locked the daughter inside of me as I drew my blade. Our eyes met. He looked at me like I was still a child. I thought of crooked drawings, of being tossed high in the air and wrestled down. I thought of kind eyes and soft smiles. I recalled all the cozy winter nights and warm summer days. Of wild untamed laughter and strawberry juice before my blade moved.!<

>!Father clasped his bloody throat, before he fell over. The smell of blood replacing the memory of sweet strawberry smell.!<

>! That’s when I collapsed right next to him, allowing the tears to fall as their pleased. I didn’t saw Aunt Sylven draping the cloak over Sylvas shoulders and presenting him with ring. Everything felt like a blurred nightmare as hundreds of voices chanted as one.” Death weeps, so Life may rejoice, Death weeps so Life may rejoice, Death weeps so Life may rejoice”. And I wept. For I was death today and finally allowed to . The burning grief in my chest was harder to bear that the soreness of my eyes and throat. All I could do was cling to the corpse I created. The corpse that was my father. All that remained was the feeling of that old robe under my hands and the chorus of voices drumming their chant into the deepest pit of my soul.!<

>!Death weeps so Life may rejoice.!<