Work, death, and cats
Almost there, another 600$ and I'm going to buy that car. I'm most nervous of the cost of repairs, insurance, gas, if I don't get lucky I'm going to go hungry for a little bit. That's just the cost of progress, right now, and I accept it. Looking forward to it, even, but that doesn't detract from the intimidation of it all, cause if it goes wrong... I've wasted a full year of savings. I'm ready to work for my freedom, as much of an oxymoron as that is - selling my body and time for opportunity, for material, for escapism.
I've been on disability/welfare for most of my adult life so this is, everything, to me. It's my self-respect and my independence that I'm fighting for, but it's also just basic survival at some stage, government handouts are not enough to do anything other than sustain a state of stagnation and rot.
Still trying to gain weight, but since I started vaping - at least I'm not smoking plant material anymore - my appetite is not all there. When I managed to quit, entirely, for a month or so I gained quite a bit of weight pretty damn fast, and now I'm watching the scale tick down slowly. I'm not upset, though, I'm at a healthier weight than I was just a few months ago, but I am nervous of slipping back into that state of uncaring apathic self-neglect.
I really just want a boring 9-5 job, I'm looking at construction companies near me for that purpose. I'm already planning to lie about everything, cause honesty is an empty resume and that isn't conductive to employment. This isn't about virtue, this is survival, this is doing what it takes to WANT to live.
I buried my late grandmothers cat yesterday, in a small hole, in our backyard. It bugs me, thinking about him decomposing back there, but this is reality I guess.
I have ants coming out of my walls, I bought an ant trap though and I've been watching them carry little pieces of the poison back under the wall. I'm pretty conflicted about my living situation, it's cheap, and it's the family house - but I'm living in the garage, poorly insulated, hardly rain proof. My mom talks about selling the house and giving me, my brother, 50k to figure out life, but the timeline ranges from sometime around August to 10 years from now. I can't bank on it, can't predict it, can't plan around it. It's less confusing to just not believe anything that's said. My step-dad makes life here the most unbearable, I could deal with the cold, the ants, the leaking roof - but being woken up him coughing and slamming doors all day, is enough to make me day dream about war crimes.
Kind of just waiting for him to die, and if that takes too long I don't know if I can stick around. Brutal thing to say, but unless you were there it's hard to understand, either I'm terrible or he is - I know where I stand - you figure it out from there. He came into me and my mothers life about 10 years ago, and despite all his attempts he became the villain and me and my mom still have a good relationship, talking shit about him every time he isn't around. It's really kind of fucked up, this isn't a healthy friendly family, more like a combination of Stockholm syndrome and parasitism. In another time and place me and my brother would have ran him out. I do my best just to keep the peace, and try not to let him annoy me too much.
I feel like I said too much and not enough, but it's nice to start to clear the air like this. I've been pretending to be a better person than I am, to follow religious ideals like loving your enemies, but I am praying for his demise in the most literal sense, for my sake, and for my moms sake.
there's that, a little ugly honesty.