u/DaughterofSaturn13

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Hi everyone, so I wanted to make a post demonstrating a full introspective chart based off my behavior and traits and how they developed starting from infancy(1) to adulthood (18) I highlighted the most disturbing or troubled behaviors that stuck out and that i was always aware were not normal . At the same time I want to share that even the most disturbing traits being prevalent all throughout childhood with a high probability of progression in adulthood and being fixed is not at all certain. I am now 35 years old with a clean record and couldn't even imagine doing any of those things and have a hard time with understanding or feeling any connection to my child self because of the drastic change in behaviors . With all that being said how and why and what are the chances that maturing and adulthood put a complete stop on almost all past behavior and it wasn't even a conscious attempt as in working on changing them , the interest, desires, impulse or reaction to that past behavior just died out so it was never a conscious choice and effort it just happened. I still have some traits that I act out but they are extremely mild and dont cause issues .

Behavioral analysis chart ( 1 year to 18 year)

1 years old , Her mother was woken by the sensation of water only to discover while sleeping her one year old daughter grabed a kitchen knife and stabbed holes all around her mom bursting open the water bed.

Years 2 and 3 she was given multiple pet hamsters that she ended up squeezing to death and her mom would replace them only for it to occur again .

At 3 years old she had extreme disgust and hateful thoughts towards her mom and did not have much or any bonding or nurturing from her .

At 4 years year old she convinced her 3 year old brother to sneak out the window and go to the neighbors house and lie to the neighbors that they had permission from their mom to come over . This resulted her mom to call the police thinking her kids were missing .

4 years old while walking in the backyard behind her mom and their neighbor the neighbor pointed out that there was a robins nest in the bushes and to not go near it , only for her to become fixated on that idea and later sneaking out to steal all the eggs and then crack them open in her mothers pet doves cage and ran to get her mother to explain with much surprise that her doves had babies and after mother confronted her she still denied that those were robin eggs.

5 years old her mother tells her she is pregnant with her 2nd brother , this inflicts extreme rage and jealousy and she punches mother stomach and threatens to kill her baby.

5 years old started preschool and was shortly taken out for inability to socialize and attacking mom physically and screaming after being picked up because she felt purposely abandoned and was resentful

6 years old started kindergarten and exhibiting compulsive lying to classmates and teacher , later was removed from school after biting a hole in a girls arm at recess which felt like an instinctual refelct after the girl tried pulling her arm to get her to do something she did not want to do .

Age 6 has no understanding or ability to learn from being punished or disciplined. Instead felt like my parents hated me and felt rejection . Never learned from it and repeated behavior

7 years old she finds out her mother is expecting her 4th child and becomes even more enraged than last time and becomes extremely hateful of sister for years to follow

7 years old she decided to go into her fathers pill cabinet and grab handfuls of various pills and consume them and when she started to become extremely sick she hid it from her parent's and puked in her closet because she was aware from the start of what exactly the negative effects of taking that many pills would do but still did it.

7 and 8 years old she becomes very authoritative and abusive with her younger siblings, often playing extremely rough and inflicting wounds on her siblings such as scratching there backs till they bled

8 years old she was responsible for feeding her various pets everyday and everyday when her mother asked if she fed and water them she lied and said yes until weeks later when her mom said she was gonna check them out only to find that all four doves perished and the ferret ate its partner out of starvation.

8 years old and extremely hard time expressing emotions or communicating and struggled greatly with social interactions as well as multiple learning disabilities and needing speech therapy . Spends considerable more time around animals and wildlife than people . Uses her knowledge of animal behavior later in life to help her navigate human behavior and understanding . Constantly imagines by placing herself in the mind of a animal. She mimics big cats often and embodiment of them has made her very skillful at stalking and catching wild animals such as squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits. Birds which she brings home quite a bit

Age 8 the extreme need to be different and stand out , often choosing the opposite of everyone else , having controversial or shocking beliefs and interests that were not the norm and being very vocal and open about them. The need to shock people and wanting to be unique and individualistic as possible this is something that became more and more bolder with age . Having interests with things that were unpopular, taboo , underground and completely abandoning them when it gained popularity gate keeping mentality and constant ideas of being special and unique compared to others .

8 years old repeated violence or aggression with boys this is something that stays prevalent all throughout adolescents. Often engaging in physical fights with boys at school and the strong need to humiliate and dominate over them especially males who exhibited beta traits , this triggered reactive violence and the need to belittle them. This was strongly presented all throughout grade school and died down more in teen years but started to show up again in early adulthood especially with drinking and attacking beta males in public with no clear reason other than feeling triggered. Strong need to dominate them , but shows submissiveness and meekness when in the presence of alpha males .

8 years old she offers to go get her father a drink this does not sit well with her dad because she has never done anything generous for her dad so he sneaks up behind her to find her pouring cleaning solutions in his drink

She has no idea or a reason for doing this .

8 years old she masters her ability to mask around adults and projects a sweet shy innocent girl persona especially towards teachers often leading her to become teachers pet , but she is extremely aware of her mask and often contemplates her teachers reactions if they saw what was behind the mask and this idea gives her immense fear often to the point where she thinks there could be hidden cameras in her room and would often start masking in her room in fear of being found out .

9 years old in 3rd grade has extremely hard time with understanding and keeping up with the class in multiple subjects and begins failing multiple subjects which results in parents becoming physical or punishing her for report cards and weekly test. This results in her to begin to forge her mothers signature and sign every test that she fails in order to avoide her mother becoming aware and to keep her teacher apeased .

9 years old and is becoming increasingly more violent and authoritative over siblings , constantly gets away with being abusive by causing fear in her siblings with threats of what would happen if they told on her and the extreme lack of parental supervision. She really starts to target her rage on her younger sister the most , mostly because her sister was very clingy with her mother and her mother gave all her attention towards her causing exteme jealousy to fester .

9 years old and she begins developing breast early but she exaggerates them by beginning to wear padded braws and super tight shirts , she also begins shaving her legs and wearing eyeliner . She constantly obesses over herself in the mirror and wants to look older and more feminine.

10 years old she starts puberty very early and well before any of her peers . She does not know how to address this and goes through great measures to hide it from her mother for fear of humiliation and being teased . She hides this for the next 5 years .

10 years old and she is very absuive with many of her pets, even impulsivey beating some to death and then lying to her mom that she thinks her pet had gotten its period knowing exactly the reason it was bleeding . She also becomes obsessed with dead animals and this obsession grows greatly into teenage years. She is noted for digging up her pets after they died out of curiosity.

10 years old she has found ways to cheat effectively on her test in order to pass her test she gets away with this for some time but eventually gets caught and humiliated in front of class. This completely destroys her ability to ever communicate with her teacher again because her sweet girl persona was discovered causing her to feel embarrassed and feel like her teacher now views her in a negative disgusted way .

11 years old she takes care of her excessive number of cats which reides outside but takes in the pregnant cats who are due to deliver and she assist each birth with much excitement, her cat this time has all stillborns unfortunately and she discovers this when she comes home to find them all around the room , instead of disposing them she sticks them in empty food containers and leaves them there till they became quite decompose and the smell becomes unbearable in her room. None of this bothers her in the slightest

11 years old a rooster of theirs gets attacked by there dog her dad tells them he has to put it out of its misery but she excitingly begs to do it instead and takes a cinder block and crushes its head . She feels mixed emotions afterwards .

11 years old she is constantly being reprimanded in school for wearing makeup , high heels , and tight fitting uniforms . She is brought to the bathroom and made to wash off face only to quickly reapply it after principle leaves.

12 years old she goes to a small private school and has 14 classmates from 2nd grade when she started till 7th grade when she left , since she started she would befriend a classmate and become very close and then drop them and move on to another , she ends up doing this with every student and is lonely but she becomes extremely excited and eager to befriend a new girl who started . Her old friend immediately recognized this behavior and told her dont do that to her , this startels her because she wasnt aware anyone noticed ,this causes her to reflect her behavior for the first time.

11 and 12 she is still very abusive and bossy with her siblings and is constantly in charge and in control of them , she now has them condition to give up seeking for parental help because she created the illusion that no matter what she does she wont be punished for her actions and will make it even worse for telling on her so siblings now obey her demands .

12 years old she becomes more wild and is getting bored of living on a farm outiside of town . She starts doing more crazy activities with siblings and starts to explore often trespassing on to others yards , especially at night .

She does things like burn things even a dead chicken. She hides behind the treeline near highway and throws rocks at passing cars windshield or breaks glass over road to pop thier tires .

She steals packages from neighbors mailbox .

She takes her parnets things without permission no matter how many times shes corrected she continues to do it and claims others things as her own .

She has stolen items from friends and shoplifted the first time

Feels entitled to things that are not hers and feels she can take what she wants, she often snoops through others belongings and helps herself because she feels she deserves it more

13 years she becomes extremely depressive and negative and is seeking isolation and withdrawals from family. She begins wrist cutting and romantises suicide and death

She becomes extremely obessed with gore and dead animals, she spends a lot of time observing animals rot and is extremely consumed by it . She becomes very morbid and fantasizes about killing someone , she often thinks of killing her sister and often plans out various ways to torment her .

She persuades her sister for 30 mins to get on their horse and once she got her to get on she then carried out her plan and started to throw rocks at her horse so that it would buck her off , her sister nearly hits her spine on a tree stump and her mother witnessed it all from the window causing her mom to immediately discipline her , this angers her so much because her little sister witnessed this and which enraged her because her title of authority was just belittleed by her mom , she then took it out on her sister again once mom left .

(Poor sister recently found out her one leg is shorter than the other and was a result of breaking her back and pelvis as a child and healed without treatment. Never knew till now she got that hurt)

At 13 she switched to public school in middle of year and had serious issues socializing and making friends . She was quickly diagnosed with ADHD and was put on an IEP plan to finally address her struggle in school.

Shes bullied often in school and has no friends. She ends up befriending a girl out of nessacity but is completely embarrassed to be seen with her and has little to no interest about her friend. She is constantly aware that this friendship is an act and is only to help her get through school because of the embarrassment of having no friends and knows that once someone better comes along she will drop the friendship. The new friend is very interested in her and copies her style and music taste and idolizes her this causes her to treat her friend badly and she often steals from her every time she visits but knows friend will put up with it

13 years old , she trespasses on to her neighbors property and vandalized their house , broke into car and ripped up seats with boxcutters and even tried breaking and entering house , this happened on 2 occasions.

14 years old her mother goes in labor with her 7th child this causes her to feel absolutely hateful and resentful so she ends up consuming a whole bottle of her moms pills and Overdoses , her dad finds out only to scream at her and throw her in the shower , her mom mocks her attempt and laughs about it. She now feels more hatred and resentment.

14 years old her father purposely kills her beloved dog that she hand raised and this causes her to become extremely depressed and withdrawn. It takes years and years to get over it .

14 years old their horse dies from a broken leg and they have no way to move its body because its in the stall , she eagerly with so much excitement volunteers to assist her father with dismembering the horse with a chainsaw and dragging the parts into the woods . She makes plans to retrieve its skull later on .

14 years old her father kills her pet goat out of anger after being butted in his knees, she later on takes pictures of her decomposing goat and takes them to school to tell people she found the jersey devil .

14 years old her depression is extremely bad and she spends days sleeping and never leaving her bed , she spends all her time maladaptive day dreaming and completely avoids reality. She spends the summer fantasizing about her looks and changing her entire self . By the end of the summer she accomplishes this by becoming what she fantasized about .

15 years old she starts highschool and feels confidence and receives male attention causing her to sexalize herself and act promiscuous.

15 she moves towns and begins a new school, she becomes popular and highly talked about, this completely changes her self worth and confidence and she becomes extremely wild and sociable. She begins cutting class daily or leaving school . She receives multiple detentions and never attends to purposely be suspended.

She begins drinking and smoking weed . She becomes a compulsive shoplifter and even steals money from ber mother or brother. Shes arrested for multiple shoplifting charges and placed on probation. She starts serial dating and becomes bored and loses interest with a guy after a week then starts a new relationship , she cheats and has no ability to be faithful to every partner . She has developed a act for love bombing men and leading them on , only to hurt them and belittle them once they were hooked .

She has zero empathy or care for any hurt she causes them and enjoys it like a game. Although she acts promiscuous she vowls to keep her virginity and becomes known to lead guys on and then leave them hanging .

15 years old , she engages in drinking quite a lot and even chugged a bottle of wine before going to school . She gets arrested for multiple under age drinking charges and has to attend outpatient programs . She gets charged for destroying her friends moms house doing up to 3500 of damage .

15 years old mom introduces her to cocain and this becomes a daily occurrence which is also introduced to close friends . Begins stealing and taking large amounts of cough medicine in order to trip , this becomes a daily occurrence as well which results in her being expelled from school for never attending. This goes on for a few months and she loses touch with reality.

15 years old her mom loses custody of her and siblings and she is forced to move to another town with her dad .

Her dad takes them to say there final goodbyes to friends before leaving, she then decides that she will hide out at a friends and never return to her dads . Her mom is aware of this and hides her out , she now stops attending probation and has active warrants out for her and she spends the next few months couch surfing with only a bookbag of clothes going by alias names She gets arrested finally and is transported to a low security juvenile facility. She gets caught with white power and nazi literature which she bodly preached out loud and on before completing a week she plans a escape with 2 other girls who were only needed to get her to a phone . She ends up ditching other girls who get arrested that night and she makes it to a gas station and has her mother pick her up and hide her out once again . She ends up gettting arrested again few months later and is sent to a males juvenile detention center , she sentenced to a few months and actually thrives in the environment and enjoys being there. She is finally release back to her fathers and has to attend outpatient. She is on probation till she turns 18 .

16 years old , she is extremely paranoid and anxious about getting in trouble and never shoplifts again and keeps a clean record and completes her probation staying out of trouble with the law as of currently which she is 35 now.