20M. This is going to be a very long post.
I believe I have OCD (I'm not officially diagnosed) and do nothing but ruminate 24/7 about my past. I have been in isolation for the last 3 years. It started as a fear of adult life, but quickly became a fear of harming others as my reasoning for isolating.
I have been thinking constantly about every single bad thing I've ever done. This post is going to go over all those things.
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Part 1: Incredibly Early Childhood.
This is the part I struggle to remember the most. Ages 1-10 are mostly non-existent to me, but I'll try my best to give you a coherent story based on my fragments.
I was told when I was 17 that I was an accidental pregnancy. According to my dad, he spontaneously decided while in the abortion clinic that he wanted to raise me, and walked out with my mom.
My mom died when I was 5, and I don't really remember her. I see photos of her, and don't recognize her. My dad took to drugs when she passed, and quickly found a woman to be with him.
She was horrible. Was forced to forfeit my bedroom for my new step-sister (who I believe was roughly 14-15 at the time? No idea.) and the living room became my bedroom. My life from 6-10 became just going to school, eating dinner alone, watching TV and then going to bed. She tried to convince my dad to put me up for adoption, and I remember I made a silly pun with her name, and she proceeded to get furious, telling my dad that I'm a heathen of a child and they needed to get rid of me.
I don't remember any consistent physical or sexual abuse, but I do have a smattering of memories that make me uncomfortable in retrospect, such as:
- My father showering with me even when I was 9-10, and would always urinate with me in public bathrooms and stalls.
- My step-sister applying lipstick to me and kissing me when I was like, 7.
Of course, these examples aren't that serious compared to those who were actually abused. (I don't even consider myself as someone who was abused.) But still. It makes me wonder if something much worse happened that I can't remember.
My dad left that woman when I was 10. He quickly met my current step mom after that.
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Part 2: Later Childhood and Early Teens.
My current step mom entering my life brought my step brother and step sister. They're all still actively in my life to this day.
I ended up becoming addicted to p#rnography around this time. I had already discovered p#rnography when I was 8 years old, but at around the age of 12 was when I actually used it to relieve stress.
This contributed towards me being a perpetrator of C0CSA towards my brother, and a friend of mine at the time. (I also have a memory of doing this to a much younger child, younger than 5, but I don't remember actually succeeding. At least, I don't think I did.
I also just recently remembered that I touched some girl's ass in middle school, as well as like... Jabbed at a friend's crotch with my foot while we swam? She told me to quit, but I didn't even think it was a bad thing, I thought it was playful teasing. Or something like that.
I got away with the C0CSA, though I hate saying that I "got away" with it, but soon realized that what I did was bad, and wanted to do something about it. I tried to confess to my dad what I did, and he told me to keep my mouth shut, since my mom would leave him if she found out. I don't remember ever saying anything about the other two bits I mentioned. I ended up repressing these memories, until very recently.
I ended up developing anxiety issues, and intrusive thoughts. I was convinced I was a cannibal for a good few weeks there. My father refused to help me with any of this, and just kept telling me that I was overthinking things. This eventually instilled a feeling of worthlessness in me.
I also got exposed to Omegle after my brother recieved pictures from an older woman online. I ended up getting taken advantage of by adults, after basically going online and saying "Yes, I am a child, exploit me.".
I got hooked on this from ages 12-15, and would exchange photos with random people online regularly as my main stress relief. There were age gaps I'm not proud of, like me being 15 and someone being 12, and me being 14 and someone being 17. I vaguely recall talking to someone who claimed they were 8 when I was 12, but no photos were exchanged, thank god.
I ruminate over the first gap, a lot. I should have known better than to do that, but at the time, a three year age gap didn't seem that bad. I probably should have known what I was doing was incredibly bad in general, but it took years for it to really sink in.
This last thing is something I've been ruminating about more recently, and would probably fit better in the next section, but I'm just gonna put it here because of the theme.
I have a memory of being on the bus with this one young kid when I was 14ish, and I was playing with him and was like, pretending to punch him in the crotch. The issue, is that I can't remember what my intentions were all the way back then and have begun to believe that I was deliberately trying to touch him inappropriately.
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Part 3: Later Teenage Years.
Ok yeah, I talked about my teenage years a bit before this, but this is the more central part where not too much happened. I never said this story would be laid out well.
At the age of 14, I was obsessed with being "cool". My brother was a role model to me. I was some video game enjoying nerd, and he was having s#x at as early as 11. (Which with the power of retrospect, I realize is messed up.)
I ended up getting involved with my brother's group of friends. A giant group of teens acting like gangsters who smoked weed and drank alcohol 24/7. Head of the group was this 17 year old girl that was always having s#x with some 14 year old boy. Despite how hard I tried, and how creepy, perverted, and terrible my behavior was, I never lost my virginity. Once again, I ruminate about my behavior from this period a lot. Regardless of how some of them treated me, they didn't deserve that.
After some searching within myself, I realized that I didn't want any part of this stuff. I cut myself off from pretty much everyone that my values didn't align with.
Of course, that doesn't mean I wasn't immune to continuing to make the worst choices. Once again, thinking retrospectively, I realize that I had s#xually harassed a classmate of mine I had a crush on. They weren't NOT interested, but I definitely took it one step too far.
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Part 4: Reaching Adulthood.
Like I already said, I went into isolation, that I'm still in to this day. During this time, I got incredibly close with my current best friend. She was the only light in the tunnel as I started having suicidal thoughts.
I tried telling my dad about my suicidal thoughts, and he told me to just stop thinking about it. Saying: "Well? Are you going to do it? No? Then don't talk about it again.". I don't trust any other family member with my feelings, so my friend remained the only thing that kept me going there, for a while.
But I've been thinking a lot, and I realized I've treated her pretty horribly. Whether I deliberately meant to or not.
For starters, my self-deprecation has hurt her in ways I didn't realize. I would always say that she could find better people to spend time with, that I really wasn't as special as she thought I was.
Neglecting my own needs has also hurt her, it seems. Self-hatred has led me to simply not care about myself. Anytime I have a concerning pain, she tells me to go to the doctor, and I just don't. I have a tooth rotting in my head and she is scared that I could get sepsis or something and she says she hates seeing me fall apart.
I've also just ghosted her a few times in the past, specifically because I was scared of hurting her even more. But she would eventually gather up our other friends to do a wellness check on me. Have you ever heard of something like that? The VILLAIN turning tail and goings away, just for the victim to chase them down?
But this next bit is much worse, and will make you immediately lose any sympathy for me, if you had any at all.
I've been a massive pervert, without really realizing it.
I ended up asking her pervy questions at times where it doesn't make sense. Making weird comments that sounded fine in the moment that I would immediately regret. (To which she had actually called me out on the horrible timing in the past.) As well as engaging in video calls when she's not quite dressed. (Not the only reason I'd do that, I genuinely like seeing her smile, and her reactions to my jokes, but still.)
These next several bits are pretty much every instance that I can remember that I ruminate over.
Bit #1:
So, as I've mentioned, I've been addicted to p#rn for as long as I can remember now. I've consumed it almost daily for a long time.
My friend started wanting me to stay on the phone with her overnight while she slept, said it made her more comfortable.
I would end up having those urges to consume pornography, so I would just... Mute my mic and turn her down as low as I could and would try to pretend she wasn't there while I would... Relieve myself, so to speak. I didn't think too much about it for a long time. I would get the relief I needed, and she would wake up the next morning happy to hear from me. It seemed like the best idea.
In retrospect, it was really creepy of me, and I'm so guilty and remorseful about it.
Bit #2:
A while back, she invited me to go swimming with her and her family. I ended up being really clingy that day, resting my head on her shoulder and stuff.
When we were swimming, we started roughhousing, and I accidentally put my hand on her chest when she yanked me closer to her. I apologized, and she said she didn't even feel my hand. The issue with this memory is that I don't know if it was really an accident, or if I tried to have it happen again or something. It's become a false memory of sorts.
And of course, because I exist to make everything worse for some reason, I just had to make incredibly creepy comments.
Bit #3:
At one point, she was showing me the water pressure in her shower, and I could see her chest in the reflection of the showerhead. (She was wearing a bra, of course.)
I immediately said something about it, but my mind immediately told me that I only said something in hopes that she would maybe how me more, or something. I snapped after that thought, and immediately confessed to the thoughts I was having. She said she didn't care, and even said "Of course I'd want to see her chest."
This has led to time after time, me saying something, me immediately thinking I'm a villain for it, and her wondering why I even care enough to be worried.
Bit #4:
At one point, I was talking about how much weight I had gained, and was showing myself off in the mirror to her.
She actually ended up doing the same, showing me pretty much everything from just below her chest down while still wearing underwear. We then spent a bit trying to figure out her specific body type. This isn't that bad, until I ended up asking to see her again randomly, and then being angry at myself for asking. She ended up laughing at me though, saying it was funny that I'd get so mad at myself over something so minor. It doesn't feel minor to me.
Bit #5:
This one is probably one of the worse ones.
At one point, she had turned on her camera to show me her dog under the sheets, to which I then caught a glimpse of her underwear.
Like a pervert, I started asking her to turn her camera back on. We pester each other a lot, so I didn't really register this as anything more than that. That was of course, until I learned about what s#xual coercion is, and wondered if that's what I did.
To me it makes me more horrified to wonder how many other instances I've had with her that would be considered me trying to coerce her, and me just being too stupid to realize that's what I did.
Bit #6:
At one point, she accidentally left her camera on while she fell asleep, and I found myself randomly looking at it, as if hoping to see something I shouldn't. I eventually ended up hanging up because I hated how creepy I felt.
...So now that you've read that, you're probably thinking: "How in the hell does she willingly associate with you?!"
If I knew, I'd tell ya. I really don't know.
She always just tells me not to feel bad, that I'm overthinking, that she doesn't mind that I find her s#xually attractive, that she actually expected it because of how close we've gotten.
She tells me that I'm one of the best friends she's ever had, that I've apparently done so much good for her life. Apparently to her, I'm actually one of the BETTER men that she's met. That's just... Such a horrifying thought, that it can get worse than I can.
She says that she hates watching me destroy myself, and that I'll always be her best friend.
What tears me up even more about all this, is that I genuinely care about her. She's one of the only people I've ever met to give me such kindness with no strings attached. Just because she knew I needed it. And in return I've done all this.
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Part 5: Present Day.
Here in the present day, I can't function as a human being. I don't have a job. I don't even leave the house because I'm so horrified that I'll find a way to do something wrong to someone.
I have become so bedridden with anxiety, depression, and worthlessness that I allow abuse to continue in the house. My dog has fur matted so badly you can't see her face. I often can even force myself to clean and so the house is always a mess. I allow my parents to mistreat and steal from my grandma.
Part of me has stopped wanting to get better. I genuinely don't feel I deserve any help.
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Part 5B: Current OCD Struggles.
This is basically just a place to put shit that I obsess over that doesn't easily fit other places.
My OCD didn't used to be this bad, I was usually able to handle the thoughts and go about my day.
But now, I can't even look at my parents or pets without getting awful intrusive thoughts. There was this period of a month there where I kept getting the same intrusive thought to touch my grandma inappropriately and I just left my house, went on a wall, and considered just not going back.
The OCD theme I struggle with the most though, is POCD.
I can't look at children anymore. Seriously. Not even for a fraction of a second. If I do, I'm immediately filled with intrusive thoughts and images that make me enraged at myself.
I constantly obsess over every interaction I've had with children (If that wasn't obvious?), I obsess over every time I've seen a child and wonder if I looked at them weird, so on and so forth.
Of course, I'll talk about a specific instance that I can't stop ruminating about.
At one point, it was just me, my mom, and my nephew. I believe I was 17. I usually refuse to change or clean children, but my mom was busy, and my nephew made a mess, so she said I had to do it.
Course, I basically begged her to do it instead. Since I didn't want to touch him I tried to just spray him off in the shower. Didn't work. I started just crying in the bathroom because of how horrified I was. My mom later apologized and pulled me to the side and asked if I was touched when I was young and if that's why I was horrified.
Just by reading that, that's not so bad, yeah? Well not in the way we're talking about anyway. But I just CANNOT stop convincing myself that I actually did do something, and that's why I was freaking out and crying. This is how ALL of my memories work. Something will occur that isn't necessarily me committing a horrible crime, and will get so scrambled that I can't remember my intentions. Part of me constantly wonders if its possible to be a monster like this without realizing you're doing it.
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Part 6: Closing Thoughts
I don't think I could begin to articulate the self hatred that I feel towards myself. Genuinely.
I imagine the response to this will largely be "get therapy".
Part of me can't even see a point. What is there to save? Any therapist who sees me will immediately recoil in disgust and call the authorities and have me put away. Maybe I deserve that, but that won't help me in the long run.
I can't let myself accept help from my family. How selfish would it be of me to accept help from my siblings which I did such horrible things to as a child while they're (probably?) unaware of it? How would my mom feel if she were to learn what I did to my brother, her biological son? (I'd probably actually get killed, to be honest.)
I can't accept help from my friend either. How would she feel, if she knew my whole past? If she knew about my constant, horrific intrusive thoughts about some of the worst crimes you can commit?
So just... What do I have left to try in that case?
I just feel like an... Anomaly, if that makes sense. I am such a horrible piece of trash, yet I also feel an incredibly amount of empathy and remorse and care for others. By the general belief of most people, I shouldn't exist.
I'm just... Tired. Both figuratively and literally. I'm gonna go to sleep now, and I probably won't be responding to any comments. Low-key hoping I don't wake up.
If you actually read this entire horrific story, I send you my thanks. I know it wasn't short. I imagine at least one person will comment "TLDR?" which... Isn't really possible for my story.