Relationship Anxiety
For years I’ve suffered with health anxiety, being convinced that I’m pretty much going to die at any given moment. This has been exacerbated by my alcohol misuse, also. But, this has died down a lot now because I’ve been for tests that I thought were the cause of actual health issues (I’ve had a heart scan and also liver and kidney scan/tests), and I’m sober now (only a month so still early days).
I got diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder when I was young, and it’s manifested itself in many forms over the years. It seems now, that my brain has decided that every waking moment I must fear that my partner is cheating on me. Now, I have had relationship trauma in the past and this is the first person I’ve moved in with (and properly started a life with) for around 5 years. I assume that, being early on in sobriety and also having less of a health anxiety risk is contributing for my anxiety to project itself on something else.
Honestly, I wake up and I fear being cheated on, I spend all day thinking that something’s on his phone, etc etc.
It’s all nonsense, I have no reason to think like this and I don’t actually distrust him as much as it sounds like I do. I also do not want to go through his phone as much as my brain is screaming at me to do so, because I know for a fact I’ll find something I don’t like on there that is private and my mind will make up some random story with it that isn’t accurate and cause everything to be even worse. The weird thing is, I didn’t have this problem with my last relationship. But then again, we used to argue all the time and so it was like I never had my guard down when I was around him. I also refused to ever move in with him, even after three years because I never wanted to. So, maybe this is cropping up because I literally haven’t argued with my partner once and we live together? Everything is very peaceful and perfect, maybe it’s a self-sabotage situation.
I don’t really know why I’m typing this all down, I guess I just need to vent. It’s really eating me up inside, and not only that it’s making me tired and it’s making me feel bad. Our relationship hasn’t been negatively impacted by this, yet, but I can sometimes feel myself being blunt or not wanting to talk to him because of these stupid feelings I’m harnessing.
I just wish that anxiety didn’t exist, why am I in constant fight or flight mode no matter what situation I exist in? It’s like I solve one issue and another one will just manifest itself in my brain. I think I’m going to live like this forever, and it’s exhausting. Especially being sober, everything is dialled up to ten for now because I don’t have any crutch to fall back on.
Anyway, have a good day if you read this lol