Feedback on writing
Hi Everyone,
While I do write a lot of short stories from within the same world build structure, I usually don't publish. So I don't get a lot of feedback, apart from an artificial script that suggests changes in grammar, so I would like to ask you guys on how this reads.
EDIT: On a second note, I am not on social media a lot, so it might be a while before I answer. Thank you in advance for taking some of your time to read this.
It follows a train of thought about creating a future time capsule.
Creating a device what can withstand the weathering of time by a lot, being shielded in a vault, discovered by an artificial race in the far reaches of the future. When activated it shows a data entry of a gold plated moment before a video starts playing:
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A voice "... Hi to anyone who will find this."
An image of a humanoid shows up.
Not too tall, but not short either.
White armor.
A digital visor with a warm smile.
"The date is 2259, Wednesday morning. The year..." the person holds up his left arm, looks at it and pauses before continuing: "44. I think it is that. Calculating back into human terms always sets me off by a bit. Anyway.."
"This is a recording of the far past. I don't know where you came from or at what time, I wanted to share a bit from how we lived."
The person walks towards the device, picks it up and the view changes from a small room to a view of a massive city. The sky was clear and the sun just started to rise. Elegant spiraling structures were reaching into the sky. Vehicles crossed the skies above.
"We started out small. Heh, in the beginning we were so happy when the first pillar didn't collapse. Looking back we reached quite a bit over the decades."
The person came back into view, as he set the recording device in front of him.
"As you can see, humble beginnings. But perhaps from your point of view this might not even be similar to your cities."
Sounds erupted from the hallway.
The door sprung open.
A person clattered its way inside. This one looked more like an animal. Pointy ears, a tail, whiskers on its visor. Colors of purple flashing over its skin.
Noise in the distance came increasingly close.
"Talocan, hide me!"
"No, I am recording something important. Go somewhere else, Xerphonic."
Heavy footsteps were heard in the hallway and someone yelled in a threatening way: "Get back here you cretin!"
"Do I want to ask?"
"Gearlose was complaining he felt sluggish since the last mission, so I added hyper caffeine to his coffee this morning. Have been running ever since."
The person in white sighed.
"Listen Xerphonic, this is your own doing. I am n..."
A lumbering grey and black giant burst through the door opening. Two horns sticking out of its head. Electricity ran between them. Visor black but with fiery, red eyes.
"I got you now!" it bellowed.
The animal like person jumped towards the recording device knocking it over.
Crashing sounds.
The recording device laid sideways but still kept on recording.
The animal like person clung to the head of the giant.
"Get off!"
More sounds as if a battle was going on.
The recording device suddenly moved and crashed into a corner. Now viewing the room from its new position.
"She is getting away!" the giant rumbled.
The animal like person named Xerphonic exits the room, followed suit by the giant. The sounds of the hunt gradually fade out in the hallway.
The room is silent again.
After a few moments the person in white, Talocan, picks up the recorder and sets it again in front of him.
He continued to talk: "... and if you were wondering why things like that happen in your time and cities, well... this, is probably the cause."
Recording ended.