u/Curiouslittleworm

Hi everyone! I’m back. I really really appreciate the feedback on my first query letter and took some time to reflect on what I can fix. I realize now that word count is definitely an issue so I’m going to hopefully cut my novel down in length. I did leave the original word count in the query below but I will be changing that upon editing again. I also decided to change my title since I think the first had too much going on. Hopefully, this query is clearer than my first, but I’d love to know what else needs tweaking! Thank you so much!!

Dear (Agent),

CLAIRVOYANT is a completed 93,000 word middle-grade fantasy novel with series potential. Think of the humor of PERCY JACKSON combined with the found family of NEVERMOOR. There is also a cozy, small-town ambience with superpowers, such as in LIFE IS STRANGE.

The man haunting the dreams of fourteen-year-old Frankie Carter never introduces himself. In fact, Frankie can never even remember his face when he wakes up. But as much as he’d like to ignore the dreams, the exhaustion that lingers with him during the school day doesn’t let him. Still, it’s easier to pretend that nothing weird is happening. Although, when Frankie suddenly develops the ability to see into the future during a family dinner, all of that changes. 

While having superpowers should be insanely cool, it starts to attract the attention of someone who thinks his new abilities make him dangerous. Now, this person is hunting him with the strange belief that killing Frankie is going to save the world. Thankfully, Frankie starts to communicate with the man in his dreams and learns that he’s able to take away his abilities. Less thankfully, he’s locked in an elusive prison and can only be released using a special key. With the help of his best friend and three others who have unclear motives, Frankie must find the key to free the prisoner and make his abilities disappear for good. Well, that is, if he ever wants to live a normal life again.

(Bio)

Hi everyone!

I’ve been stalking this sub for a while and was wondering if I could possibly get advice on my query letter. I’ve only submitted to a small batch of about 12 agents, hoping to get a feel for whether my query letter and first pages are working or not. I changed the name of my characters here just to retain slight anonymity at the moment. I also know that my comps are a little bit old but I have been trying to find a more current middle grade novel/series that is similar to my premise. If anyone knows of any that sound similar, I would love to read it! This is my first time ever querying and I really am looking for tips to improve myself. Thank you for taking a look at this!

Attempt 1: (I had a version before this which I sent out to a few agents but this is the one I mostly submitted.)
—————

Dear (agent),

FRANKIE CARTER-THE KEY OF BITTER THORNS is a completed 93,000 word middle-grade fantasy novel with series potential. Think of the humor of PERCY JACKSON combined with the found family of SIX OF CROWS. There is also a cozy, small-town ambience with superpowers, such as in LIFE IS STRANGE.

Fourteen-year-old Frankie Carter is going to be a famous movie director one day. Well, maybe once he gets a camera that doesn’t sound like he’s filming underwater. But Frankie has more pressing matters to worry about, anyway. Like the weird dreams he’s been having lately that he can’t ever fully remember. What’s up with that? Or maybe the fact that he’s the middle child in a family of seven and can never get any peace and quiet. 

At least his parents’ friend, Trevor, seems to understand him. That is, until Frankie suddenly develops the ability to see into the future and Trevor vanishes, leaving him alone. Lucky him. It soon becomes clear that something strange is afoot when nobody else remembers that Trevor exists, besides him. Not even his best friend, Liam, who’s basically like an eighth Carter sibling. Unfortunately, Frankie isn't too thrilled with his new ability to see the future and thinks it’s nothing but trouble. Now, he might just have to do whatever it takes to make his superpowers go away before it’s too late.

(Bio stuff)

Attempt 2: (haven’t submitted this one at all.)
—————

Fourteen-year-old Frankie Carter is going to be a famous movie director one day. Well, maybe once he gets a camera that doesn’t sound like he’s filming underwater. But Frankie has more pressing matters to worry about, anyway. Like the weird dreams he’s been having lately that he can’t fully remember. What’s up with that? Or maybe the fact that he’s the middle child in a family of seven and can never get any peace and quiet. 

At least his parents’ friend, Trevor, seems to understand him. That is, until Frankie suddenly develops the ability to see into the future and Trevor vanishes, leaving him alone. Lucky him. It soon becomes clear that something strange is afoot when nobody else besides him remembers who Trevor is. To make matters worse, Frankie is being hunted because of his powers, and now might need to do whatever it takes to get rid of them. In a race against the clock, Frankie must free a convict who can take away his powers from an elusive prison. That is, if he ever wants his life to be normal again.