turns out it doesn't get better!! And the older I get the more I age out of that youth that I wanted to redeem myself in so badly, like the target I have to aim for is drifting further and further from my path and there's nothing I can do to get back on track. I don't think I'll ever get what I want at this rate
Life was more meaningful when I stayed holed up in my room whenever I wasn't hanging out with my handful of 3-4 fellow weirdo friends that I could actually relate to, but the feeling of missing out, of failing, of needing to be part of something kept consuming me so I had no choice but to touch grass. I never wanna hear another PMC post punk/slop indie band or go to some pretentious bullshit art student show as long as I fucking live, but if I stop showing up I'll never be at peace with my stupid chud life.
I've lost years of time and sleep to these events when I should really be working on myself but whenever I work on myself the dark thoughts creep up on me and I feel like shit. And like, what for? I need to take responsibility for this because it's largely an attitude thing and I'm going about it the wrong way but I can't even relate to these people, I can't even vibe with these people, they're nice enough and maybe it's a skill issue and I should hang in there because I have made genuine connections once or twice but, for the most part I genuinely can't relate. I wish my weirdo friends had more time to hang out with me because I love them like hell.
I've wasted my time almost every day this week and intend to do it next week, the week after that, after that etc etc... I'm so far in now that I wanna take it to it's logical conclusion, how much of myself can I suppress to ascend? How far can I actually take this?? I booked shifts for my part time/flexi job most days next week and I'll probably be too tired to touch grass after each work day so until then I'm going all out. I still wish I was in college and fully, properly part of it instead of trying to rush the party from the cracks in the fence like I am now