I have been struggling lately. I've been struggling a lot.
I play a role everyday. I play a role of someone I'm not.
It feels like there is no me, like there's never been one.
Maybe I can't see my true self, maybe there is none.
I feel numb, apathatic and I feel like I just put up with this piece of shit of existence that I call a life.
Sometimes I catch myself in the kitchen, staring too long at a knife.
Still there's something inside me, clawing and tearing to see the light of day.
I ignore it, supress it and keep it shut deep inside.
Not by choice, but by habit.
I act happy, I content, I act as if I'm not suffering through every single fucking moment of this miserable existance that people expect me to have.
I wear a mask so perfectly, so naturally that sometimes, just sometimes, this mask feels like me.
I can't take it off. I can't see behind it. I'm blind to the light that is life and I just want to fucking end it.
Full stop.
I don't want to die. I don't want to end it.
I want to live and be happy and content and I want to see the light that all the people around me can see and bask in its glory and say to myself: "This is my life, and this is me".