Need help on my potential marriage!!!!
For context: this post is about a potential marriage with a sister I met a university. When I first ever saw her I was not physically attracted to her. But as I spent time at university, I realised how compatible we are in deen, values, character, and shared goals. I then became physically attracted to her at uni. I would see her 5 days a week at uni and I felt physically attracted to her. But then uni ended, and now I’ve seen her 3 times in the last 5 months. Each time I have felt a consistent low level of physical attraction to her to the point where it distresses me and hurt me as i didn’t want to feel that way about her as I highly respect and value her and see such good traits in her for a wife.
The first post-uni meeting I felt low physical attraction to her but I didn’t let it bother me as I know no one can look good all time. But, second post-uni meeting I felt again low physical attraction to her to the point it distressed me and hurt me. It then played on my mind too afterwards. I remember in the second meeting standing in front of her and saying to myself “I cannot marry her” because I was not attracted to her physically and that KILLED me inside to say. Then after the second meeting, I coincidentally happened to go umrah 3 months later. I poured my heart out for our next meeting to go well and for me to marry her as I want her so bad. I cried at the Kaaba for her and prayed so much tajjahuds and regular prayers for her at both Makkah and Medinah for us to get married.
2 months later, we meet again. This time I felt a low physical attraction to her again and this time i couldn’t hold back my tears of pain. The moment I went to the prayer room and found a private place, I cried soooo much in pain that I couldn’t find her attractive anymore like I did at university. It hurt me so so much because I don’t want to lose her and I see her as such a good mother to my kids and a person with just good traits of a wife.
Here is a list of what I did before the third meeting, in the hopes it would go well.
**Before third meeting:**
- At my umrah after the second meeting, I cried to Allah at the Kaaba to let me marry her. I didn’t go umrah for this matter, but I happened to go in between the second and third meeting. I didn’t make dua for anything else more when I was there, than I did to marry her
- I asked an Islamic marriage councillor for advice. He advised me that character is most important but looks also do matter. He said: “If it’s something she can work on, then to not dismiss it. But, if why I struggle to find her attractive, is tied to something she can’t work on, then to take it more seriously as that would impact married life”. I then realised the reason I’m now finding her unattractive to me is due to her lip shape, and the way she looks when she smiles and laughs. Things that she can’t change
- I prayed tahhajud many times for us to get married
- During Ramadan after the third meeting, I cried to Allah at the mosques for why I couldn’t feel attracted to her anymore like I did at uni and for Allah to help me
- Before the third meeting, I made it a practice where I would go to the masjid for Fajr jammat and would stay there until sunrise to get the rewards of Hajj and Umrah. And in those moments I’d also make lots of dua to marry her.
But even after all this, the third meeting went so badly that I cried in so much pain for not being able to find her physically attractive in the way I want to be to my wife. WHAT DO I DO??! PLEASE ANY HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED.